Why the Fuck Did I Do This?

by Beatrice

What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 16
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? New York City
Highest education received: Not graduated from high-school
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Jewish
How religious are you? Somewhat
What’s your sexual orientation? Bisexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 2
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Why the Fuck Did I Do This?

How long ago did this hookup happen? Oh maybe like 6 months ago- it was like an ongoing thing

What was your relationship status at the time? Same as current status

How would you best classify this hookup? one-night stand

How long did you know the person before this hookup? Just met that day

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He was gorgeous. He was beautiful with a gorgeous body. We weren’t close, but I knew his sister. Apparently he knew me and showed interest in me but had just ended a relationship and was kind of a mess. I thought he was good looking, but then he made me uncomfortable because he did a lot of drugs.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? It began in a friend’s house. I knew it was going to happen and so I made sure that we would be in the same bed. There was little planning and we both instigated.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? He went down on me and fingered me and had sex with me. We cuddled and laughed and talked about life. We talked about why he does so many drugs and we talked about people we know. I felt good. I liked it. He was okay. Apparently he was a virgin which I didn’t know at the time. It ended in sleep.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Somewhat

Did you have an orgasm? No, but I was close

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? We continued to hook up. Afterwards I felt really strange because I spent the day with my family but I had just had sex with a relative stranger. I thought we would spend the next two years of high school hooking up, never being serious and me not being jealous. I think I hate him now. He hurt my feelings. It’s one thing to not want to date me and not want to get serious. It’s stupid, but it happens. But if you don’t want to date me, don’t lead me on and tell me you like me. But more than that, don’t talk shit about me behind my back.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Learning new things, experimenting, Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Hoping or expecting it would lead to something more, Thought it was an important experience to have

How intoxicated were you? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it

What substances did you consume? Marijuana, hashish

How intoxicated was your partner? Drunk/high but not wasted

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Marijuana, hashish

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I spoke to my friends, and later a therapist.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Mixed (Some positive, some negative)

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Very

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all

Do you regret this hookup? Not at all

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? I got to be with someone who was beautiful and could be lovely.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? He bruised my heart. He refused to answer my calls or my texts, and I kept making excuses for him. One day, I realized I had fallen for him and I wanted him to answer me and I didn’t want him to fuck around. He never answered my text. A friend who was with told me that he had said he didn’t care about me (which was in contrast to when he said he liked me so much and wanted me to be with him and connected with me on a deeper level). He also said that the guy was never sober with me. So I felt used and had low self esteem

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Yeah. I don’t want to have causal sex anymore because I go crazy. I’m jealous and I care too much. I felt like there was something wrong with me, that I cared and he didn’t.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? A little positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Very negative

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I wish someone would have told me how attached you can get to the first person you have sex with. I would have fucking waited for someone who answers my calls.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!