A Cautionary Tale

by Alice

What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 21
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? US
Highest education received: Some college (currently in college)
What’s your occupation? Student
What’s your current relationship status? In a serious relationship (monogamous)
Religious affiliation: Agnostic
How religious are you? A little
What’s your sexual orientation? Mostly heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 4
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

A Cautionary Tale

How long ago did this hookup happen? A year and a half ago

What was your relationship status at the time? Single

How would you best classify this hookup? One-night stand

How long did you know the person before this hookup? Just met that day

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? The man I slept with was someone who worked in a store within the college I attended at the time. Whenever I saw him I always thought he was cute, so one day toward the end of a semester, I approached him and expressed this. He was shocked and flattered, so we began talking to one another, and after about an hour, I should have picked up on major warning signs. It was decided that later that night we would go out on a date to better get to know each other. We were speaking in a public place, so I felt safe that nothing would happen, but for a few minutes, all of the people sitting around us just disappeared, which is when he decides to mention he’d like to take me in an empty room, bend me over, and eat me out. No one had ever said something so sexually explicit to me before, so I was shocked, but somehow still reasoned it was okay to continue my plans with this guy.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? Eventually I had to leave, so he offered to walk me to my car. I had a weird feeling when he suggested taking an elevator instead of just one flight of stairs, but made another error in just going along with what he wanted. We ended up making out heavily, which is when a part of me began to feel disgusted about what was suddenly happening. Another part of me was hungry for any kind of attention as I was desperately lonely at the time. My close friends had ended up in colleges thousands of miles away and I was stuck living with my parents and commuting while at the same time having no idea about what I wanted to do with my life. My first relationship had ended lacklusterly earlier that year, with the guy texting me that he needed space and completely dropping off the face of the earth. Somehow the advances of this new beau felt satisfying so I decided I’d indulge.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? We went out to eat and while I had been telling myself repeatedly all day to not go over to his place, he buttered me up that nothing intimate would happen if I didn’t want it, so I went back with him to “watch a movie”. What ended up happening was him slowly coercing my “no” into an “I don’t know”, which was enough for him to physically engage me. I’m not going to go into too much detail as it was not pleasurable at all and I look at the entire experience in a fog. I emotionally detached myself from the situation because I was in disbelief of what was happening and how I had gotten myself into that situation. I just remembered thinking the entire time, “What is happening? I don’t really want this – oh god he’s taking my virginity and I don’t know him and I’m scared and I want to stop.” I tried saying no many times during the actual intercourse we had – at first with a condom and then without one, because the other one had “broken” and he didn’t have any more, and thus just pressured me into going along with it so I could “get off” with him too. I think he interpreted my no’s throughout sex as just going along with whatever scenario was in his mind and he nearly came inside me which was probably the most terrifying moment in my life thus far. What made it infinitely worse was that his best friend who he had been casually sleeping with VERY recently to this entire situation was there watching a movie with his roommate – which he decided to tell me while we were having sex. I was mortified internally, but so detached from reality that I didn’t really respond. She later left in a rage when the whole thing was over and he tried chasing after her while I was left feeling confused and dazed about what I had just agreed to and done. I ended up heading home. I didn’t sleep that night as the dread about what had happened slowly built as I had realized that my first experience having sex was questionably not consensual.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Not at all

Did you have an orgasm? I don’t know

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? After the hook up I had immediate regret for the entire encounter and was horribly paranoid that he had actually lied and had cum initially inside me before pulling out, as when I got home and was cleaning myself up, I found that there was a white-ish looking substance mixed into the blood leaking from my vagina. I had lied to my parents about where I was going that night, but had told my friend that I was going on a date with someone I found attractive but was unsure of emotionally, so she was the only person who really knew what was going on. I texted her that night before trying to fall asleep about how horrible I felt about the entire thing and how I should have tried to fight myself and him to prevent what happened. She ended up comforting me and helping me detach all contact from him, which proved very difficult. I had agreed before we had sex that I was interested in dating him, but now that interest was disgust and confusion and the thought of seeing him again and what might happen made me anxietal. I spent the entire day when I saw him and texting him that I was unsure of what I wanted anymore and that the previous night had been a complete blur I was uncomfortable with. What followed this was one of the most difficult and confusing few days of my life. This man would guilt me about how I felt by being overly apologetic, texting me frantically while I was at work (and he was supposed to be too), and asking for forgiveness while also complaining about how his life up until then had been complete shit. While I sympathized with what had happened to him earlier that year (he had lost his home in a freak fire, broken his arm hitting a wall in a rage, his girlfriend of five years broke up with him) I could not get over the regret and disgust I felt toward myself and him. Three days later I asked him to meet up with me at a restaurant where he was an hour late and made an excuse so elaborate I knew it was a lie to try to prevent me from breaking it off with him.When I told him I didn’t want to see him in an “It’s not you it’s me” kind of way, he proceeded to interrogate my intentions for leaving him and even approaching him in the first place. Some of these questions included, “Is it because I’m fat? Because I didn’t make you cum? Were you just using me for sex like my last girlfriend?” I don’t know why, but for the next hour I tried comforting someone who really didn’t deserve it, someone who had ultimately hurt me and my life, whether he realized it (or didn’t want to) or not. Finally I was exasperated, told him I was sorry for even approaching him in the first place and that I was leaving. When he asked me if he could walk me to my car I said no. When he asked if he could see me again, I told him “No, please don’t.”

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Withdrawal, Condoms

What were your motives for this hookup? Attraction to partner(s), Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Hoping or expecting it would lead to something more, To feel better about myself, To cheer myself up, I was feeling lonely, Didn’t want to disappoint my partner, Boredom, Just happened, I don’t know why, just went along with it, I didn’t want it but was unable to stop it

How intoxicated were you? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)

How intoxicated was your partner? I don’t know

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I didn’t give a clear ‘yes’, but I didn’t give a ‘no’

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I spoke about it directly with my closest friend. She supported me throughout the entire thing and I am still incredibly grateful for it.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Other

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Very

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Do you regret this hookup? Very much

Why do you regret this hookup? My consent was questionable at best, my actions probably read as playing hard to get to him, but inside I was facing serious emotional turmoil. Additionally I feared I’d become pregnant, as his pull out accuracy was questionable and my period ended up being a week and a half late that following month. The day after we had sex I actually almost bought plan B, but it was ultimately too expensive and I was paranoid my parents would find out I bought it.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? I don’t really think anything truly “best” or “good” happened from it- It’s definitely shaped my choices when it comes to trusting men. I guess the silver lining is that I’m with someone who makes me incredibly happy now, regardless.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? That the guy I slept with will probably not change. Additionally since he worked on campus and also had a second job next to a restaurant I frequented I was endlessly anxietal i’d see him again. I did a few times and quickly left before he could start a conversation or notice me. Although one day he was the only cashier in the store and I needed to buy something so I had to talk to him. I also would see him with a girl I guess he started dating soon after this happened and I thought about warning her about what had happened to me, but I never did. Luckily I don’t see him at all anymore because I transferred schools a year after this happened.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Yes, it drastically changed the way i view sex, myself, and the importance of emotional intimacy before sex. I have difficulty reaching orgasm, if at all, with my current partner and I honestly think it has to do with what happened to me.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Not at all positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Very negative

Anything else you want to add about this hookup? If you really don’t want to have sex with someone, then don’t. If they try to convince you otherwise, they’re really not good for you, in fact they are probably dangerous, whether that’s emotionally like my case or otherwise. I know I am a very specific case in a sea of thousands, but I really want to prevent what happened to me from happening to anyone else. It is okay to say no and walk away!

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I think “casual” sex is dangerous in that sex is not casual at all. It is an incredibly intimate experience that is unfortunately often ruined with encounters like this or worse. I think casual sex has sprung from a desire for people to want to prove something to themselves or their peers, whether it’s their popularity, sex skills, desirability, or just pleasure, which I think is not healthy emotionally or mentally. You can easily replace the “sex” in “casual sex” with drugs or drinking. The danger in this behavior becomes when there’s a weird encouragement and pressure to engage, I think something needs to be re-examined.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? The ads make it feel very biased towards making casual sex something that’s not a big deal, which I genuinely disagree against.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!