And the Winner Is…

by Ivy

What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 38
What’s your race/ethnicity? Mixed / Multiracial
What continent do you live on? Australia
What country and/or city do you live in? Australia
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
What’s your occupation? Academic researcher
What’s your current relationship status? Engaged/Married (open)
Religious affiliation: I live at the cross-section of Pantheism & Atheism, where I teach yoga and cast pagan spells by moonlight.
What’s your sexual orientation? Pansexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? Polyamorous
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 48
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

And the Winner Is…

How long ago did this hookup happen? 2 months

What was your relationship status at the time? Engaged/Married (open)

How would you best classify this hookup? One-night stand

How long did you know the person before this hookup? Just met that day

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? Looks late twenties or thirtyish, dark hair cut short, light skin, medium build, roughly 6′ tall. At least 10 years younger than me, though I didn’t ask for specifics. Both of us were dressed for a costume party, on a boat. We met on the bow of the boat randomly, started talking (as one does at parties) and found him quite charming and funny.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? Backstory: I’m happily married and consensually non-monogamous, and have been for more than a decade. My spouse and I are presently on two different continents for a few months because of work. I had recently made friends with and hooked up a couple times with a new lover (we’ll call him K) in my new city, and we were both going to this same party, but he was going with another poly ladyfriend so we had no plans to go home together. To be clear in case readers have the wrong idea about poly people: it’s a fun and flirty group, but this was not a “sex party” or even anything remotely kinky – just a costume party on a boat with some wild folks of all sorts of persuasions. (Side note: Many things have conspired over the last few years to me feeling less and less sexy/desirable to men, and so being functionally single-ish in a new city has afforded some space to explore and re-kindle my sexuality.) There were several cute guys I had super flirty interactions with (maybe 5 including K), fun dance floor encounters, etc, over the course of the first several hours on the boat. I nursed a very weak drink for hours, so I wasn’t intoxicated. I definitely felt the difference of how men interact with me when I appear to be “single” than when my spouse is around, even knowing that we’re in an open relationship. I was having fun with that. At some point, I’m on the front deck of the boat where lots of other partiers are hanging out outside, though I don’t see anyone I know so I just find a spot to sit and enjoy the view. Natural conversation with cute young guy (we’ll call him U) sitting next to me happens. He’s funny as hell, and we chat for a long while. At some point K is nearby and he smiles and asks jokingly, having seen me interacting now with several cute guys, “Who’s winning?” and I reply to him, “I’M winning!” and I introduce K & U, insisting that U show K a hilarious picture that he showed me. (Not a hint of jealousy, which makes me dig K even more, incidentally we’ve been seeing each other now regularly for months). At some point, I’m on the dance floor as the party has progressed almost to the point of getting back to the dock, U moves in for the kiss. Great kiss. I tell him I’m in an open marriage, and rules of engagement dictate that he know that before anything else progresses. Naturally, he’s surprised but then I see that inevitable twinkle in the eye that many men get when they realize they might get to hook up with someone “no strings attached…” Boat eventually docks, and then it’s a walk to a seedy dive bar for the after party. We get some wine and continue to hang out, most of the other party goers are there. At some point, we find a couch and make out like teenagers, all the while he’s pushing for getting an Uber back to mine because he’s from out of town with a friend at some nearby AirBnB and doesn’t know if the hosts are there, etc. I’m not interested in one-night stands and tell him that, but he’s cute and very persuasive, and finally he gets me to agree to bail on the bar and take the 10 minute walk to where he’s staying. I communicate very clearly that I’m not committing to staying for any length of time, but I’m down for the change of scenery and a more comfy place to make out some more.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? We arrive at his AirBnB place, and we can’t find a key anywhere it’s supposed to be, so he has to text his friend to wake up and let us in. Apparently, their room has two single beds in it, and it does not appear that the hosts are home. Either way, no privacy in the room he’s staying in with his friend, so we hang out on the couch in the living room after friend goes back to bed. It’s maybe 1AM by this point. So, we’re making out on the couch, some handsy stuff starts to happen, some clothes start rearranging, and I ask him if we can have the adult conversation about STI status/partners, etc. He divulges that he’s had several partners with various levels of unprotectedness since the last time he was tested, so I tell him that my rules of engagement say we can’t go much farther than we are already. He’s noticeably bummed, but understanding. But he’s determined to make me come anyway and says so, and asks if it’s okay that he go down on me. Given our conversation, I let him, and I don’t even have to take my bodysuit off and he gets me there after about 15 minutes with his tongue and fingers. I do my best to return the favor with my hands (no unprotected oral on my end given his testing status), and I ask him to direct my motions by telling me how he likes it – harder, softer, wetter, faster, slower – but he’s not really the communicative type able to ask for just what he wants yet, which makes me think he might be younger than I even first thought… He’s definitely enjoying himself and gets close a few times, but eventually he tells me that he’s over-stimulated and is fine with stopping after about 20 minutes of a variety of genital massage techniques. It’s about 2am by this point. We hang out on the couch pillow-talking a bit longer, and I decide I’m going to catch an Uber back to mine.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Somewhat

Did you have an orgasm? Yes, one

Did your partner have an orgasm? No

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? We added each other on Facebook, and sent a few flirty messages by text, but he left to go back to his hometown – several hours drive away – early the next morning. I have zero expectations about ever seeing him in the flesh again, though it is at least somewhat likely that we’ll be at the same events at some point in the future. I interact with him super minimally on FB, and I think he’s cute but we’re definitely in different phases of our lives and he’s obviously much younger than me – which the age thing doesn’t bother me at all, it’s more a maturity level. It’s also interesting to have felt the effects of “hook-up culture” with a young guy, and reflecting on the experience after the fact makes me really feel for younger women these days who probably aren’t as experienced as I am (or secure) in knowing and stating clear boundaries. He was definitely pushy and and had expectations about how hooking up at parties worked. Not sure if I would hook up with him again if we ran into each other at another event, probably not, but I’m not necessarily opposed to it. Especially if he learned a thing or two from our encounter and now gets himself tested regularly and consistently practices safer sex.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Discussed STI testing history, No penetrative sex happened

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), To feel more desirable, To feel more confident, Making new friends, Peer pressure, Didn’t want to disappoint my partner, It was easy / convenient

How intoxicated were you? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it

What substances did you consume? Alcohol

How intoxicated was your partner? A little tipsy/high

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Somewhat

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? He had to talk me into anything past the making-out phase. Put a lot of pressure on me verbally, but I did consent to everything that happened.

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? Told my husband, who is presently in another country and is glad I’m exploring my desirability after a long stint of a stressful PhD experience and a slump in my self-esteem. He’s very supportive. Told my new poly-lover who was at the same party and went home with another girlfriend, and he thought it was funny. Literally gave me a high-five.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively positive

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all

Do you regret this hookup? Not at all

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? It felt like high-schoolers being naughty on the couch at their friend’s parents’ house.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? I got to see a bit into the mind and modus operandi of a young man who has learned about sex and relating to women so far in the “hook-up culture” of the post-tinder and too-much-internet-porn generation. In hindsight, I’m kinda glad I had a good reason not to sleep with him.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Well, proved to myself (even though I didn’t know at the time that’s what I was doing) that “I still got it” and that my fears of being less sexy as I approach 40 are totally unwarranted. If anything, I feel more desirable than I have in years, in that I had multiple hotties all vying for my attention over the course of the night at that party. But I’m going to stick to my guide line of not dating/hooking up with men younger than 30 unless someone spectacular comes along.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Somewhat positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I’m about as sexually “liberated” as it gets, and I’m grateful to live in a time where the types of relationships I want to have are not so taboo anymore. I love my husband, and we both love sex, with each other and with other people. I’m more into hooking up with people that I find interesting enough to have more in-depth, longer term relationships with, so I’m less “casual” for the most part, depending on ones definition. But you gotta start somewhere with any new partner. On some people’s standards though, the way we live might be the most “casual” someone’s ever seen!

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? Science! (I do hope some good science eventually comes out of this, though after reading some of the stories I fear the data-waters are too muddied with some absolute bullshit fantasy stories. As a researcher who lives an “alternative” lifestyle often regarded as taboo, I have a vested interest in research that shows that my lifestyle isn’t as strange or “unnatural” as conservative social norms would have many believe.)

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!