My First Time Wasn’t Exactly Consensual



What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 25
What’s your race/ethnicity? Black
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? New York
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your occupation? Working
What’s your current relationship status? I wish I could answer this.
Religious affiliation: Christian
How religious are you? Somewhat
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 1
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

My First Time Wasn’t Exactly Consensual

How long ago did this hookup happen? About a week.

What was your relationship status at the time? Complicated

How would you best classify this hookup? I’m dating this one guy only, but we’re not a couple according to him.

How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than 6 months

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He was average height with a strong build. We met on on a pretty popular mobile dating app that was created for more serious daters. Prior to the “hookup”, I felt extremely comfortable around him. We were very open with each other and could talk about anything. We often spoke for many hours at a time and we had a lot in common.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? Because he had been complaining about us not doing “couple like” things, I decided to invite him over for dinner. He came over, ate food, and at some point later in the night we began making out. I was very reticent and nervous about the whole thing, but he assured me that he wouldn’t pressure me to do anything I didn’t want to do.

There was lots of touching, rubbing, and sexual stimulation (him rubbing his penis against me through our clothes). Eventually, I felt comfortable enough to take my bra off, but I refused to remove my panties. He kept his boxers on as well and eventually we fell asleep spooning. I woke up the next morning to find him completely naked which a bit concerning. But I ignored my intuition.

I knew we didn’t have sex because I was a virgin and I would have felt the soreness. We had breakfast and began making out again. Eventually I became so aroused that I decided that it was time for sex. I told him that I was only ok with sex with a condom. He said ok. To make a long story short, I was so nervous that I ruined two condoms. When it came to to the last condom, he got so nervous that he messed it up. I said to him, I guess we’re not having sex today. He agreed. We fell asleep.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? When we woke up again, he was still aroused and hard. He started rubbing his penis across my leg and thigh. “Don’t penetrate me without a condom,” I told him. “I won’t,” he replied. All of a sudden, I felt pressure and pain. I said stop at different times between strokes. He would stop and then start back again, until eventually I felt him inside of me. After several pumps, he pulled out of me. There are more details regarding the foreplay from the previous day. But the actually sex part was pain and confusion. I was freaking out about the whole process so I asked him if he came. He told me no.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Not at all

Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close

Did your partner have an orgasm? No

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? I took a morning after pill because I was so scared of potentially getting pregnant and signed up to get tested because I didn’t know his status… only what he told me. The next few days, I felt sore. I don’t know what to think. My first time wasn’t supposed to be like this. I think my subconscious reason for staying a virgin so long was because I was sexually assaulted as a kid. My biggest fear would be that the first time I had sex the guy wouldn’t listen to no. :/ We are still dating and I don’t really understand what’s going on in my head.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Withdrawal, Discussed STI testing history, Plan B / Emergency contraception

What were your motives for this hookup? I didn’t want it but was unable to stop it

How intoxicated were you? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it

What substances did you consume? Alcohol

How intoxicated was your partner? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave a clear ‘no’

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I told my friends that I had sex for the first time, but I conveniently left out the part about me telling him to stop and that we would not have sex without a condom.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Other

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Somewhat

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Do you regret this hookup? Very much

Why do you regret this hookup? I don’t regret the previous night. The night of just making out and touching was fine. The night of ‘sex’ was painful and not exactly consensual.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? At least I’m not a virgin anymore.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? How powerless I felt.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? I’m waiting until the self hate comes. I’m going through so many stages.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? A little positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Very negative

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I wish I were more comfortable with my body so that I would fewer non consensual sexual encounters. I wish that casual sexual, while being more accepted, didn’t lead to more prude shaming.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? It’s a good outlet.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!