Hookupless

by Steve

Gender: M
Age: 46
Race/ethnicity: Northern European mutt
Location: San Francisco
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
Occupation: Art Director
Religious affiliation: No affiliation
How religious are you? Not at all
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexual orientation/sexuality better/best? Low relevance for sexual identity
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? None

hookupless

How long ago did this hookup happen? prevailing status

How would you best classify this hookup? solitude

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? Have been stuck with self entirely for some time now so my partner is essentially myself. I am contributing at best the distant amalgamated memory of the few hookups I have had in the past. Since 2009 I have lived with Pudendal Neuralgia, a chronic pain condition stemming from nerve damage that was the result of two rectal surgeries. Sex, masturbating, orgasms, and erections are all very painful, sometimes incredibly. Before this condition, my sexual connections were almost entirely in long-term monogamous relationships as the actual process of hooking up has proven defiantly mysterious and quite rare for me. Between relationships, dry spells have typically lasted from three to five years.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? Even before my pelvic nerve condition I was almost impossibly incompetent at hooking up. I had never planned something which led successfully to anything sexual. The few hook ups I had were the result of being pursued.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? Did you have an orgasm? Did your partner(s)? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? Nothing ever happens because unlike a remarkable majority of my peers the fundamental social techniques of getting a hookup to happen have generously eluded me. Since my pelvic nerve injury (five years ago) the idea of attempting sex has fallen completely off the map due to the chronic genital pain.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? Did you discuss STI history? This is never an issue. Before my injury the utter rarity of ending up in bed with anyone at all usually meant that they had, for whatever reasons, decided to pursue me after knowing each other for many months and become very familiar with each other’s lives. So STIs have traditionally had little contact with me. I have gotten tested while not sexually active with the hope that engaging in the process of being sexually informed might in some way make me a part of hookup culture. When connections have finally come about, discussing history has been very matter of fact for me. I am always happy to share my very limited information. I believe in openness and fully informed intimacy. Plus, it never takes long for me to convey my full, gap-laden sexual history.

What were your REASONS for having this hookup? It pretty much only happens once every few years when I am the one being pursued. It’s been over ten years since my last hookup.

Were alcohol or drugs involved? If so, how much? No. Drunk women and the attendant sloppy choices they make have always been uninteresting to me. The ease with which people resent another person they chose to hook up with simply because they themselves were drunk at the time makes me pretty wary of drugs and alcohol in general when it comes to hooking up or making connections with women. I also get dizzy/sleepy too soon from drinking more than one drink, so I’m really just not much of a drinker.

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it? What are your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? When I have hooked up in the past I’ve invariably felt a closer connection with the person and lucky to have known a moment of what life is like for other people. I’ve never felt a compulsion to flee or cling, but have been disappointed to find the other person either transformatively distant or disruptively attached and devotedly unaware that I am not.

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I pretty much don’t kiss and tell. I have this long-standing notion that doing so is generally disrespectful given how personal and intimate the experience has been and how most of the meaning and relevance is shared by just her and myself. When I have begun to share in the past friends tend to change the subject quickly. Friends have never shared much about their own hook up experiences with me, so I’ve never felt like I know what goes on for most people and certainly close to nothing about how it can come to happen.

Was this a consensual and/or wanted experience for you? For your partner? Always consensual. This is a weird question. If I don’t want to have sex with someone I have no trouble avoiding it long before direct physical interactions can occur. The slightest hint of disinterest in the other person in hooking up amid an otherwise lively and positive interaction will completely eliminate sex from my mind. I am driven almost entirely by not wanting to offend or in any way pressure someone to be close with me in a way that they are not already making clear they are interest in.

Do you regret this hookup? If so, why? I don’t think I’ve ever regretted the few hook ups in my life. I’ve felt disappointment with the loss of what I had hoped would be even just a minor connecting of friendship afterwards, but I haven’t found any need to blame those outcomes on the fact that we hooked up. All kinds of connections can fade or flourish, not just those begun by hooking up.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? How about the WORST? Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? The best results are how differently the world can seem to me in the days following. How much more a part of life I have sometimes felt and how my imagination is inspired and awake and how much more intrigued by the value and potential of all other aspects of my life I am. The worst would be times when I found the other person suddenly distant afterwards and having no access to the reasons why.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Somewhat positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Somewhat negative

Anything else you want to add about this hookup or anything else? Living with severe chronic pelvic pain that prevents sexual activity and makes masturbation a biological chore I would rather avoid than have to endure each week is incredibly isolating. It changes who you are and how you relate to people in almost every relationship, not just potentially sexual ones. It is emotionally isolating. Dating becomes virtually unapproachable since I don’t believe any woman should spend her time acclimating to a relationship that can’t become physically intimate. Every woman—every person—deserves the best sexual connections and experiences possible. Being someone who can not provide that is depressing.

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