Raped By My Ex

by GingerMinx

Gender: Female
Age: 39
Race/ethnicity: Caucasian
Current location: U.S.
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
Occupation: Self-Employed
Relationship status: In an LTR (Long Term Relationship), Common Law
Religious affiliation: None – raised Mormon
How religious are you? Not at all
Sexual orientation: Mostly heterosexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexual orientation/sexuality better/best? Mostly men, but I do love women
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 40+
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 3

Raped by my Ex

How long ago did this hookup happen? 2003

How would you best classify this hookup (e.g., one-night stand, fuck-buddies, friends-with-benefits, booty call, sex with an ex, short fling; paid sex…)? Pretty Rapey

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? I’ve been posting all my good hookups, I figured I should even things out a bit and post one of the worst……
He was from El Salvador but had lived in the US most of his life.  We dated for about 4 years before I finally got the courage to leave him.  It had been a very emotionally abusive relationship that turned to physical abuse before I finally woke up and realized I needed to get out. After breaking up with him, it still took me 4 months to find a place to live so I had been sleeping in the same bed as him with pillows in between us so he wouldn’t touch me. It was awful.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? I eventually got a new place to live and was dating a really, really great guy whom I’m still with 12 years later. My ex found out where I lived and had been stalking me a bit, leaving old photo frames and pictures with the glass shattered on the front stoop of my new apartment complex for all to see. Classy guy….. 
He called me one day, about 5 months after we’d broken up, and asked me to come over so he could apologize to me and we could talk.  Not sure why I said yes, but I did. Mistake #1. 
I get there, and he invites me into his room.  The room we used to share. Mistake #2. (Did I mention I found out that this guy had been married the entire time we lived together? I also worked for him until I broke up with him.  Yeah.  It was hands down the most fucked up relationship of my life.) We start talking and he says that he’s ready to settle down with me, divorce his wife, and take fertility drugs so we can start a family.  (WTF?!?!?!??!) It is at this point that I gently tell him I have started seeing someone and I’m not interested in having a relationship with him again.  I had to be careful with my words because this is a man who tried to crack a 9-iron golf club over my head once.
Needless to say, he did not like my answer.  He immediately grabbed me, started force-kissing me and pushed me down onto the bed.  
Let me be very clear. I told him NO.  I did not want to have sex with him. But that didn’t stop him. He kept going, pulling his pants down and exposing himself.  It was at this point that I knew I had a choice.  Forcefully tell him no, try to fight him off & risk being assaulted, or just wait for him to finish.  I chose to wait.  I had worked very hard to get to a healthy mental place in my life & I had achieved it so I knew this man no longer had power over me other than this really awful moment.
He finished, looked at me, and said “Sorry.  I didn’t know what else to do.” 
I’ll never forget those words.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? He penetrated me. Missionary position.  I lay there like a rag doll so he wouldn’t try to do me doggy style which I knew was his favorite position. I never looked him in the eyes. Just calmly waited for him to finish being a horrible human being.

Did you have an orgasm? Did your partner(s)? Me – Nope.  Pretty sure he did.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? Did you discuss STI history? None.  It was not something I had planned on.  A childhood fever had left him almost completely sterile. I was clean.

What were your REASONS for having this hookup? I chose to let him do his thing rather than have him beat me up.  I know I couldn’t have taken him on. He was an ex-police officer / member of the bomb squad. I believe he could have done some serious damage if I’d provoked him.

Were alcohol or drugs involved? If so, how much? Not me.  Who knows with him.  I think he had recently been dabbling in cocaine but I had no proof.

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it? What are your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? I got up, made nice so as not to aggravate him, left, went to my car, drove home, and had a mini-nervous breakdown.
I made a decision long ago to forgive him.  Not because he deserved it; but because I deserved it.  I like sex.  I really like it a lot. I even like being controlled in the bedroom when the timing is right and I actually want it to happen.  I am not going to let a piece of shit human being like this guy invade my thoughts and curtail my ability to enjoy sex. Forgiving him was my way of taking my power back. 
Don’t get me wrong; I haven’t forgotten, just forgiven.

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I told my boyfriend because I believed he had a right to know.  I had to spend some time explaining to him that this was my thing to deal with and he needed to stay out of it. Naturally he wanted to do some serious damage to the guy. It took some convincing, but we got past it together. It may have brought us closer as a result.

Was this a consensual and/or wanted experience for you? For your partner? NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.
For him, yeah. I guess.

Do you regret this hookup? If so, why? I don’t ever really think of this particular experience in terms of regret. It was a crappy situation and I learned about myself in the process.  I’m not gonna have something horrible like that happen to me and not learn a damn thing about it.  Would it have been nice to learn the same things without going through the experience? Sure.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? How about the WORST? Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? BEST: If I had to name something, it was that I learned I had the capacity to forgive someone for doing something normally considered unforgivable and move on from it, without it causing significant mental trauma.
WORST: His creepy apathy – “Sorry.  I didn’t know what else to do.”

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Not at all positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Very negative

Anything else you want to add about this hookup or anything else? I should mention this wasn’t the first time he’d raped me.  He came into the bathroom once while I was showering and still forced to live with him and did it then, too.  I made sure to say “I do not want this. Please stop…NO” but that fell on deaf ears. I chose to let it happen again that time as well, because I still had a bruise on the back of my head where he’d thrown a 24oz glass beer mug at me. 
I probably should have reported him.  He’d told me that he’d been accused of sexual harassment years earlier and who knows if he ever did anything similar to anyone else?  I hear he’s married now, and at one point spent time in jail for selling Meth with his son. Go ahead and read that last sentence again. HIS SON. I’ll wait while you collect your jaw off the floor…..
I didn’t really think straight about it because I didn’t go get a rape kit done, and more than anything I just wanted to close the chapter on the most toxic years of my life and move on.  Besides, with my sexual past and the fact that I had to live with him after I broke things off and sleep in the same damn bed for 4 months, I just didn’t see how any court would believe me.

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