When I Wasn’t Raped



What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 51
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? Europe
What country and/or city do you live in? London
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your occupation? Nurse
What’s your current relationship status? Engaged/Married (monogamous)
Religious affiliation: Agnostic
How religious are you? A little
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 60+
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

When I wasn’t raped

How long ago did this hookup happen? 30 years ago

What was your relationship status at the time? Single

How would you best classify this hookup? No hookup

How long did you know the person before this hookup? Just met that day

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? Someone I had spoken to that night only and I had no romantic interest in him.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? I was 22 years old and my friend had disappeared with his friend. I was intending to stay with her overnight. He offered me a place to sleep. No romantic interest on either part.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? I was offered a bed by a nice guy who was a friend of my friend’s boyfriend and I explained to him I had a boyfriend (even though I did not).

I woke up to him kissing me and trying to have sex with me. I drunkenly fought him off – his penis was between my bum cheeks in missionary position and I think he thought he was having penetrative sex. I felt his cum between my cheeks and him rolling off to sleep beside me.
I fell asleep unconsciously and woke to find him sitting at his desk writing a letter. He thought he had ‘raped’ me. He said he was writing a letter to his mother begging forgiveness –I was there –and I knew he hadn’t raped me! But he had tried.

I remember he made eggs and beans for breakfast and I ate it as though I had popped round for breakfast.

I wasn’t traumatised, but I was deeply pissed off with him –yet greatly appreciated the lecithin and carbohydrate breakfast. I also learned much about my own sexuality that night.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Not at all

Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? So confused!

I know he thought he had ‘raped’ me. I remember he hadn’t.
I hated the thought he tried to have sex with me and then apologised to His Mother when he thought he had- but not me!
I wondered why I wasn’t so traumatised – and how I ate his breakfast with relish.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Birth control pill / patch / ring / injection / implant

What were your motives for this hookup? wanted a bed for the night

How intoxicated were you? Completely wasted

What substances did you consume? Alcohol

How intoxicated was your partner? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Not at all

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave a clear ‘no’

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Somewhat

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? No-one. Ever.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? I didn’t tell anyone

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Somewhat

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Do you regret this hookup? Very much

Why do you regret this hookup? 1. Someone tried to have sex with me knowing I didn’t want to.
2. Although he didn’t have penetrative sex with me, I felt abused.
3. He apologised (or pretended to) his mother and not me.
4. I ate his breakfast!

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? It made me think about how I organised my future night outs.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? I realised I need to rely on myself to stay safe.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? 1. Safety is paramount
2. Casual sex is different from drunken sex

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Not at all positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Very negative

Anything else you want to add about this hookup? Still confused about my reactions 30 yrs later. But I’m glad I focused more on my own safety – and realised for many men – no women deserves the same respect as their mother. Sadly.

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? Casual sex is fine – good even – if both are consenting. I wonder looking back – how many ‘such’ encounters were actually that.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? For many it seems a return to a nostalgic sexual/romantic life changing moment that they wanted to share. And others – a bad sexual moment they also wanted to share.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!