Detached Attachment

by Nicole

Age: 19
Race/ethnicity: Caucasian
Location: California
Highest education received: Some college (currently in college)
Occupation: Student
Religious affiliation: None
How religious are you? Not at all
Sexual orientation: Mostly heterosexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexual orientation/sexuality better/best? “Bicurious”
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Detached Attachment

How long ago did this hookup happen? Three Weeks

How would you best classify this hookup? Sex with an ex

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? Gorgeous, radiant, sweet-smelling, smooth… There were not many physical imperfections about him. We were together at one point, but it was a muffled togetherness, never quite coming together the way I would’ve liked it to. I had ended things with him simply because it hurt too much to proceed any longer; my feelings were stronger than his, or at least it seemed so. It was because of those feelings that I had to keep such a distance from this undeservingly beautiful boy after I called it quits. But naturally, he would seep back into my life, appear around every corner, light up my phone every evening with a picture he wanted to send me or some joke he wanted to tell… I couldn’t ignore him. Those feelings were still very, very accessible, I only had to think of his face and a rush of emotion flooded through me.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? School was coming to an end, I was at the home stretch and trying hard not to let myself cave. We had been texting, but when I ran into him Wednesday morning on the sidewalk, I knew what would happen. There he was, charming as could be, suggesting we hang out before school’s end. I happily obliged and invited him to swim with me that night. He offered to help me study for finals after in the library. Of course, there was no swimming nor a library. When he apologized for being too tired for either, I told him we could just hang out if he wanted. And so at nine o’clock, Wednesday night, I found myself at the front door of his house, backpack-clad and ready to “study.”

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? Did you have an orgasm? Did your partner(s)? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? We had been working for maybe half an hour, or trying to work. We were having casual conversations as well. He got up to fill his water bottle, and when he came back in he shut the door. I waited for him to sit back down next to me but instead, he stood behind me and began messaging my shoulders. It was nice. Then he stopped, leaned over, and began kissing my neck, so, so softly. Goosebumps. I’ve never felt so powerless; I wanted to cry, tell him no, that this would just ruin me. But I wilted before him, weakened by such intense lust. He wrapped his arms around me, picking me up (being the giant he is), and threw me on his bed. We kissed long and hard, and he was panting. He felt his way around my body, and I let my hands remember all that they once loved to hold. He began pulling my pants off, and once again I froze. He started to go down on me, more passionately than ever before, and I just stared at the ceiling, wondering what the hell I’d gotten myself into. I’d never came before, and I didn’t think I would now, so I stopped him after a few minutes, and he reluctantly pulled away. Then, he pulled his own pants off, and we proceeded to have sex for the next half hour or so.  He had to finish himself off. Then we just laid there, kissing lightly a few times, staring into each other’s eyes, me confused, him amused. We didn’t say much, though I wanted to say a million things. But instead I accepted defeat and went home.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? Did you discuss STI history? It’d been a few months since I’d been with him last, and I didn’t doubt that he’d been with other girls (he liked to party; get around). But I didn’t make him put a condom on. I was on birth control. Who knows if he had anything, I honestly had zero self-control to stop him at that point.

What were your REASONS for having this hookup? I had many reasons NOT to have this hookup, and I kept repeating them to myself as I walked over to his place, but did they stop me? No.
The only reason I could come up with was that it could give me great satisfaction in the moment, which it did.

Were alcohol or drugs involved? If so, how much? Other than he himself being the drug that I abuse, no.

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it? What are your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? The rest of that night, I felt surreal, bittersweet, turned-on. I had some expectations, but knew that realistically they would never be met. I did have sex with him one more time (a week later) before going home, but it was the same. I want to be with him so badly, and I’ve never felt so hopelessly in love in my life. But I’ve since realized that the last person I should have detached sex with is the person I’m in love with, so I guess I’ll just have to do my best not to let myself fall prey to that situation again. I still feel those feelings, but every day they get buried a little bit deeper within me, less and less easily accessible.

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I talked to my roommate and two of my best friends. They weren’t surprised, nor disappointed. They understood. But obviously they advised that I shouldn’t let it happen again unless I can take the emotional side-effects.

Was this a consensual and/or wanted experience for you? For your partner? It was consensual in that we both already knew and cared about each other, and it wasn’t just sex between strangers. I knew his body and he knew mine and there was mutual admiration. As far as this being a wanted experience… there’s no denying that I wanted it. I will always want it from him. Yet, this was unwanted in that I knew it would cause major confusion for me, and it did.

Do you regret this hookup? If so, why? I don’t regret it, as sad as it’s managed to make me feel. I can choose to look at it as a last hurrah and move on.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? How about the WORST? Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? The best thing about this hookup was just him; looking at him, being so close to him, feeling him. The worst part was knowing that he wasn’t mine. I think this last hookup with him has made me realize that I am truly capable of falling HARD for someone, because up until him I had not. It has also made me feel more fragile, sexually. I think I know now that sex is only enjoyable to me when the person I’m having it with knows me and cares about me. And if the person loves me, even better.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Somewhat positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative

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