What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 20
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? Europe
What country and/or city do you live in? Berlin
Highest education received: Some college (currently in college)
What’s your occupation? Student of law and politics
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Atheist
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Non-defined
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 15
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? None
How long ago did this hookup happen? Until a week ago, over the cause of half a year
What was your relationship status at the time? Same as current status
How would you best classify this hookup? Sex with an ex
How long did you know the person before this hookup? For 1 to 3 years
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? The person I slept with is around 1,80m tall, has a beard and green/blue eyes. He likes to wear leather boots, jeans and a shirt – for the most part, though, he likes to be naked when inside. He is a PhD candidate from the UK.
We dated before and got extremely close during and after, therefore, I’d say I know him very well. Maybe even best out of all the people who know him.
We met on the street approximately 1 1/2 years ago – he ran after me and I ended up giving him my number. Followed by that was a year of us living on two continents together, traveling to a third one and overall having a very intense time with one another. We ended not together because the feelings weren’t there, but because I was not ready to be in a serious relationship and started to act very destructively.
How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? Considering the beginning of the hook up being the first time we had sex after we had broken up, I’d like to explain something:
During and after breaking up, even though we were both terribly sad and heart-broken, we had nothing but love and admiration for one another. We had become best friends over the cause of time. The timing for being together had simply been wrong, and we were determined to be friends after a bit of time had passed.
Then, the first time we met up after the breakup, we went for a walk on a hot summer day and things quickly turned heated. I remember him fingering me on bench by the end of the night. At first, we were resistant to give in to our desire for each other, but then quickly surrendered.
I’d say it was a mutual initiation.
What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? Here’s the thing: during our relationship, my partner and I did not have the best sex life. This was partly due to me having problems with my hormones, partly because things were a little bit off between us the whole time and I did not feel 100% comfortable. Therefore, when we started having sex after we had broken up, it was like the ultimate liberation. Even though we of course also had and have romantic feelings for each other, the heartbreak was still very much present and we were aware we would not be getting back together anytime soon. Nevertheless, the sex was like it had never been before – fantastic. We tried new things, had anal sex which was very, very good, the sex in general was quite aggressive at times which we both enjoy very much. My partner was a good lover, making sure I would come no matter how if I wanted to, adjusting his movements to what he knew I liked often, said things to me during sex which he knew turned ME on. But what I did realize about my partner was that he is very direct with the way he touches me – there is hardly any kissing of the body, the neck, the face, the back, no stroking, mostly groping and oral pleasure. Basically focused on the main points of arousal. This I do wish he had been a bit more, but only discovered it afterwards when I started sleeping with other people again. It ended because we both knew it could not go on forever – even though we did sleep with other people from time to time, we were in a sort of limbo situation with each other over the whole cause of this long hook up.
How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Very
Did you have an orgasm? Yes, more than one
Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, multiple
What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? Soon after we had discovered the sexual potential we had together, and probably only because of it, the way we behaved together when hanging out became very healthy, enjoyable and just overall like it should have been when we were together for real – but still, it was obvious to us that getting together was not an option at that point, due to not enough time having passed and us both knowing we’d have to get out of limbo after a while, moving on to other things and then (maybe) getting back together. Or not. The day after we decided (I initiated this) that the last meeting would be our last sexual/romantic one for a while, I was quite lost and even felt devastated. My partner is my soulmate. And now, with the future being so unknown, I panicked and felt that us just being very close friends in the future might not be enough for me. But since that day, I’ve calmed down and embraced the thought of just letting life take it’s course with us. I know we will have to date other people, which I’ve already started initiating a little (it’s good to sleep with someone else right now, too), build up our friendship more and more and maybe, just maybe, at some point when our heart break has faded and the original relationship we had has moved further in the background, we will find our way back to each other for good. Or not! We might find that being close friends is a better way for us to be together. Who knows – and I think at this point, all I need to concentrate on is working on myself, for myself.
What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Birth control pill / patch / ring / injection / implant
What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Thought it was an important experience to have
How intoxicated were you? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)
How intoxicated was your partner? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)
How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very
Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent
How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very
Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent
To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? Some friends, however as this is a very unusual situation it is very hard to emphasize the importance this hook up had for me and my partner.
My partner and I did talk in length about what this hook up meant for us, the past and the future, though. Almost as if we were two people on the outside looking in, like we often do.
How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Mixed (Some positive, some negative)
Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Somewhat
Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Somewhat
Do you regret this hookup? Not at all
What was the BEST thing about this hookup? Even though not getting back together/being together anymore, my partner and I discovered what being together COULD HAVE been like. What a healthy and fulfilling sex life together could be like. This liberated both of us very much and if we ever were to get back together, this would only be possible because of this special hook up.
What was the WORST thing about this hookup? The emotional turbulence it naturally came with, sleeping with an ex in a new kind of way which felt so good, hanging out in a way which we both wished it had been like before, but not REALLY being with said ex, knowing this phase would have to end at some point.
Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Yes, it’s definitely shown me a few things about myself sexually:
1. Sex has a great impact on your relationship – the lack of good sex my partner and I had back when we were together really was one of the main reasons it did not work out. Of course, good sex is sometimes only a reflection of the relationship itself being healthy and good.
2. Sex can be completely unimportant, too – I don’t think I would mind being in a somewhat open relationship in the future anymore (I definitely would have minded before). If you have a healthy, steady, wonderful relationship, living out sexual desires with other people together or apart can be a good thing.
3. I’m looking forward to have other casual sexual experiences with other people in the future and am not afraid of getting hurt at all. It’s all about being happy with yourself, loving yourself, being sure of yourself and what you really want.
All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Very positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Somewhat negative
Anything else you want to add about this hookup? I think I’ve said everything I needed to say.
What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I think especially for women, it’s really important to be ABLE to embrace casual sex IF desired. That does not mean that every woman needs to have casual sex necessarily, however I think getting rid of the stigma it has, especially for women, would result in us all being able to live our sex life in new and profound ways. Casual sex can somethings be significant and important, but sometimes it’s simply one thing: sexual pleasure. Some have the desire for it more than others, but all should be able to live it out in any way they want to.
What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? I think it’s a great way for people to tell the stories they want to tell, but in the bigger picture it helps un-stigmatize casual sex and provides a pool of material for research to scholars all over the world.
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