Scratching the Itch

by Lucy
Gender: Female

Age: 41
Race/ethnicity: Caucasian
Location: Eugene, OR
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
Occupation: stay-at-home-mom
Religious affiliation: Wiccan
How religious are you? Somewhat
Sexual orientation: Bisexual
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0


Scratching the Itch

How long ago did this hookup happen? last week

How would you best classify this hookup? sex with an ex

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? We were newly divorced. It hadn’t even been final for a week. We had been continuing to share a room and a bed throughout the process, for financial reasons. I still consider him to be my best friend, even though I am no longer romantically interested in him, and he is the best lover I have ever had. We met 13 years ago, and were married for 11. Neither of us had ever cheated, although we did, on a few occasions, have sex with other people, together. I have absolutely no interest in getting back together with him, and he feels the same. When we first started talking about the “D” word, we both admitted that we didn’t have any interest in any specific others and were both not looking forward to the dating scene. We talked about “scratching each other’s itches” when scratching them ourselves wasn’t doing the trick, lol, and set up guidelines and boundaries, the most important of which was full disclosure, i.e., if either one of us had been sexual in any way (including kissing) with someone else since our last encounter, we would let the other know immediately. We had been together since our breakup, but it had been awhile.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? It was a couple of days after our divorce became final, and the night before I was going to move out. We had spent the day shopping for new furniture for my apartment, and were both exhausted, yet not tired. Both of us were excited to start our new lives. One of the kids was spending the night with a friend, and the other had already crashed. The cable had already been transferred to my new place, and his wasn’t hooked up yet, so we were watching a movie on the computer, which of course meant we had to sit on the same couch close to each other. He mentioned that he was tired and going to bed soon, and I replied that I would be following close behind, but that I wanted to take a long hot shower first because I was a little sore from all the walking around and carrying heavy stuff we had done that day. He got into bed, I took a shower, and when I got out I realized I hadn’t done laundry and had no clean panties, so I put on a big t-shirt and started a load of laundry thinking it wouldn’t be a big deal because I figured he’d already be asleep. He wasn’t. I climbed into bed, he turned to spoon me, and immediately noticed the lack of panties. The rest, as they say, is history.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? Did you have an orgasm? Did your partner(s)? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? Before and during our marriage, he was a very attentive lover, doing everything he could to make sure I came at the very least once before he did. We’ve had all kinds of different sex, from soft, loving, vanilla, to full on tied up using whips and toys on each other, to having other people join us. This time, we started out “making out” for a couple of minutes, but he quickly proceeded to go down on me, knowing that that’s what usually does the trick. He didn’t stay there for very long though. It didn’t seem as if he didn’t care if I didn’t come; more as if he was just excited to actually be inside of me. It seemed to me that he was super hard, and that was exciting for me, that I could still turn him on.

We started out with me on my back with a leg over his shoulder, and when that got to be too much, with me on my side. He came fairly quickly, but I did not. I would have loved a “round 2”, but he fell asleep, so I masturbated until I came, and fell asleep in his arms. I enjoyed the night, because it was good for my self-esteem to know that I could still turn someone on, and because we’ve always had great sex, but was a little disappointed because I knew it was gonna be awhile before it happened again, and would have liked a little more attention paid to my body. The next morning, he helped me move into my new apartment. We’ve talked on the phone several times a night, and he helped me take another load over the next day, but I haven’t seen him since then. He’s delivering my new bed tomorrow.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? Did you discuss STI history? We didn’t use any precautions, because he has had a vasectomy and neither of us has had any other partners since we started dating.

What were your REASONS for having this hookup? I wanted to do this because I knew it was going to be a long time before I had sex again, because I was feeling bittersweet about moving on, and because I was horny as hell and needed the release.

Were alcohol or drugs involved? If so, how much? We had each had a couple of drinks, and he had smoked a little weed, but neither of us was “fucked up.”

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it? What are your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? We held each other all night long, and the next day he helped me move. I felt good about it. It was nice to know we can do the whole “friends with benefits” thing without it being awkward, especially because I have no interest in dating right now, and love the idea of someone who can “scratch my itches” when they arise. I hope we can continue to help each other out, as long as neither of us is with someone else. We’ve discussed the fact that we both have to be completely and totally honest and up front with each other if we do have sex with someone else, and we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. It’s not necessarily a deal breaker, but it will definitely change the game. I still love him, and always will, but I do not want to be in a relationship with him, and he feels the same way. He is my best friend.

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I told a couple of my friends, and every one of them said, “Good for you!” General consensus among them is if no one’s getting hurt and it’s what you need right then, go for it.

Was this a consensual and/or wanted experience for you? For your partner? Very consensual, for both of us.

Do you regret this hookup? If so, why? I do not regret this at all.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? How about the WORST? Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? The best thing about this hookup was that it gave me hope that I will still get to have sex, even though I’m divorced, even if it’s only a couple of times, and that it won’t be weird the next day. The worst was that I felt as if he didn’t care about my experience as much as he cared about “getting some,” and that hasn’t been the case before. It hasn’t really changed the way I think about casual sex, because of the circumstances. It changed the way I think about myself in that I felt empowered, like it was ok to do something just because I wanted to, and that even though I felt like a failure, someone was still attracted to me enough to want to have sex.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Very positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative

Anything else you want to add about this hookup or anything else? I’m scared of what’s going to happen once he finds someone else. I don’t want to even try to navigate the dating scene, and as a 41 yr old mother of three, it seems highly unlikely that I will find someone else who wants to have sex with me anytime soon. And even if a miracle occurred and it did happen, I’m scared of all of the diseases and crazy people out there. Sex can be a dangerous thing! I know very little about dating/sexual etiquette these days, and don’t even begin to know how to find out. I so do not want to be the last person I have sex with lol.

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