Sleeping with My Ex While in a Committed Relationship

by Scraggles

What’s your gender? Transman
How old are you? 21
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? Mississippi
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your occupation? Music Producer, Student
What’s your current relationship status? In a serious relationship (monogamous)
Religious affiliation: Christian
How religious are you? Somewhat
What’s your sexual orientation? Bisexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? Pansexual, demiromantic
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 14
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 1

Sleeping with my ex while in a committed relationship

How long ago did this hookup happen? couple months ago

What was your relationship status at the time? Same as current status

How would you best classify this hookup? Sex with an ex

How long did you know the person before this hookup? For 1 to 3 years

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? My ex of a year and some months? Dark hair, overweight, glasses. On and off again love-hate thing.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? No “planning” but both of us knew if we were going to see each other, sex would probably happen. It just does. She asked to come over to my house before she drove 6 hours back to her place for Christmas holidays — or something — because we’d probably not see each other for a long time. I can’t really remember. She showed up and we went out to the mall, made out in a fitting room at Sears or JC Penney or something, then ate some lo mein and bourbon chicken — and dry wontons. Follow up with a walk around a big ass lake before we came back to my house. By then it was late and we were both tired. We cuddled some and ended up making out.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? Cunnilingus – me giving some finger on clit action, some mutual masturbation when that failed. I was sort of bored. It felt like all the other times we had sex. I was not sexually aroused. Just sort of a compulsive habit, I guess. I got frustrated because she kept complaining about the way I was doing things (despite me being as gentle/attentive as possible), yet offering no alternative, or focusing too hard on orgasming despite knowing that makes orgasming impossible. Sort of a breakdown in communication, which is the norm. I never came. She eventually did. I was too exhausted to move so I went to sleep.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? A little

Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? Nothing has changed for me, really. I guess we’ll just keep having really shitty sex when we see each other. Granted, the makeout sessions are still great. She stresses me out after each hookup though because she still has feelings and I’m just sort of there.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) None

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, To feel better about myself, To feel more desirable, To feel more confident, Power / Dominance, Didn’t want to disappoint my partner, Boredom, It was easy / convenient

How intoxicated were you? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)

How intoxicated was your partner? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? A little bit

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Somewhat

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? No one. Well, except her.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Mixed (Some positive, some negative)

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? A little bit

Do you regret this hookup? A little bit

Why do you regret this hookup? Nothing gained, no real satisfaction.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? I felt desirable and handsome.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? Not really getting to enjoy it because I was doing all the work, and it was kind of boring.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Nope.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? A little positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Somewhat negative

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? That’s a complex question. I often resent the way most men I know approach casual sex (bagging and bragging) and how they are rewarded for it, yet women are reviled for opening their legs to even one person. I think the stigma of casual sex for women needs to be nipped in the bud, and safer, more responsible approaches to casual sex made clear and widely available. I mean, there are still morons out there that think pulling out will protect them from STDs and pregnancy.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? It’s interesting!

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!