After the Divorce


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What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 29
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? Oakland
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
What’s your occupation? Grant Writer
What’s your current relationship status? In a serious relationship (open)
Religious affiliation: Atheist
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Bisexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? polyamorous
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 17
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

After the Divorce

How long ago did this hookup happen? 9 months

What was your relationship status at the time? Single

How would you best classify this hookup? Short fling

How long did you know the person before this hookup? Just met that day

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He was short, just an inch or two taller than me, and very thin – not my usual type. I thought he was cute, but the Austrian accent probably helped. We met at a dive bar after exchanging a couple brief messages on OKCupid. I had recently ended my marriage, was looking for any excuse to get out of the house, and didn’t have any particular expectations. It turned out that we had a similar sense of humor, and connected quickly.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? The bar closed earlier than expected, less than two hours after we’d arrived. I was enjoying his company, and didn’t want the date to end there, so I invited him back to my place.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? All of the above? He was kinky – into spanking, biting, clamps, and belts. I didn’t have a lot of experience with kink, and what I had tried before had been uniformly awful, but I’d had a few drinks at that point and was willing to experiment. I shrieked the first time he bit my thigh. He asked if I wanted him to stop, but I ABSOLUTELY did not. So I ended up shrieking, and laughing, and moaning all night long. He was incredible. After a long and miserable marriage, he reminded me that sex was supposed to be fun.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Very

Did you have an orgasm? Yes, more than one

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, multiple

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? The word “giddy” comes to mind. I felt great. He texted the next day, and we ended up hooking up a few more times. But he was only in town for the week, so I never had any expectations for the future. (Of course, I was still heartbroken when he left, despite knowing full well that it was coming.) We’ve kept in touch, and maybe someday one of us will cross the Atlantic again for another brief fling.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms, IUD (Intrauterine device)

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Learning new things, experimenting, To feel more confident, To cheer myself up, I was feeling lonely, It was easy / convenient

How intoxicated were you? Drunk/high but not wasted

What substances did you consume? Alcohol

How intoxicated was your partner? Drunk/high but not wasted

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I discussed it with my sister and an old friend the following day. My friend seemed a little concerned that I wasn’t taking care of myself. My sister still wanted me to reconcile my marriage, so she wasn’t thrilled that I was dating again. Still, they were both happy to hear I’d had fun.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Mixed (Some positive, some negative)

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all

Do you regret this hookup? Not at all

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? Unexpectedly connecting with someone on a really intimate level in a very short time. I spent the whole time he was in town in a constant endorphin high.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? …Unexpectedly connecting with someone on a really intimate level in a very short time. The come down was brutal when he left. Even though we kept in touch, it felt a little like losing a limb.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? This hookup changed everything for me – my entire outlook on life. Things I realized because I met this person:
1) It is possible to find joy in other people.
2) It is possible for good experiences to impact you just as intensely as bad ones.
3) It is possible to maintain contact with someone primarily (solely?) for sex, and still care for them, respect them, and want to support them.
4) It is easy to get out of the house and connect with someone. It is so easy that there is no excuse to not just do it. All the time. Just get out.
5) I am good at connecting. I’m a good natured person who is open to new experiences, and I will never have trouble finding people who appreciate that.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Very positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Not at all negative

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? Most casual sex is not as fun or as meaningful as this experience was, but I have been surprised to find that I’ve never regretted hooking up with people, even when the encounters were terrible. Sex is an important part of the human experience. I wish there wasn’t so much stigma around it!

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? It’s an interesting collection! I’d be interested to see what insights you get out of it.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!