Bedless in Boston

by Janey Cauqswain

What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 28
What’s your race/ethnicity? Black
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? New York, New York
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
What’s your occupation? Business
What’s your current relationship status? In a serious relationship (monogamous)
Religious affiliation: Atheist
What’s your sexual orientation? Queer
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? Queer
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 30+?
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Bedless in Boston

How long ago did this hookup happen? 5 years

What was your relationship status at the time? Single

How would you best classify this hookup? Short fling

How long did you know the person before this hookup? Just met that day

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He was a tall, beautiful, dark African man with a really strong jaw and sparse facial hair. I met him at a hotel bar that I ended up following a friend to that night. I had some liquid courage and went right up to him to start a conversation. It was probably the first time I had done that. He was so attractive, and ended up being really intelligent and funny too. He dug my quirky sassiness and that was that.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? I had just gotten an apartment in the city but hadn’t moved my stuff there yet. I was in town for the night for a friend’s going away party and didn’t have a plan for where I would sleep (though I was our with several friends whose couches I could have crashed on). In the back of my mind that morning I thought I could just go home with someone and sleep in their bed. I think that was the seed that encouraged me to go home with him. I was absolutely the one to propose it.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? We had sex for literally hours (oral and vaginal). And he had a GIGANTIC penis. I don’t remember much of the night but it wasn’t as pleasurable as it could have been due to my drunk state – I enjoy sex much less drunk than I do sober. The next morning, however, I was totally ready and we laid in bed and talked, had sex, ate, and had more sex until at least 3p. We talked about everything – our similar family backgrounds and hometowns, our work and passions, sex, our plans for the rest of the weekend. Eventually, we had to get up – he had a wedding to go to (which he invited me to. I demurred) and I had to shower and catch a bus back home out of state.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Very

Did you have an orgasm? Yes, more than one

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, multiple

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? After, I felt pretty proud of myself. It was my first one night stand and he was as good a candidate for one as I think I could have found. We kept in touch after. When I officially moved back to town a few weeks later, we had a fling for about 5 months. It was clear he was enjoying his life as a bachelor and I was newly single so wasn’t particularly interested in beginning a relationship. We weren’t monogamous but I ended it when he started sleeping with someone else after our schedules made it hard for us to connect. We are still Facebook friends but we don’t speak.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms, Birth control pill / patch / ring / injection / implant

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Learning new things, experimenting, Thought it was an important experience to have, Intoxication, To cheer myself up, It was easy / convenient

How intoxicated were you? Drunk/high but not wasted

What substances did you consume? Alcohol

How intoxicated was your partner? I don’t know

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? All of my friends. They were all very supportive.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively positive

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? A little bit

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Do you regret this hookup? Not at all

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? The life experience.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? That we don’t talk anymore. He was a cool dude.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Yes, all for the better.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Fairly positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Not at all negative

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I think people take sex (and themselves) too seriously. Especially black women (a category I fall into). [Very] Generally, they keep tabs on who is having sex with whom, how many times and with how many people, and what they’re getting (monetarily, emotionally, relationship/status wise) in return and are intensely secretive/private/prudish about their own sexual behavior. It’s odd to me. I don’t think of sex as transactional. I think of it as an extension of myself, or an exploration of myself, and sometimes an itch I need to scratch. My vagina is not a currency. I don’t value it that highly and I don’t think that’s a negative thing.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? I love it.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!