Disappointing Casual Sex



What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 72
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? USA
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (eg., MA, MS, PhD, JD, MD)
What’s your occupation? Retired
What’s your current relationship status? Engaged/Married (monogamous)
Religious affiliation: Jewish
How religious are you? A little
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? Many, never counted
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Disappointing casual sex

How long ago did this hookup happen? 5 months ago

What was your relationship status at the time? Engaged/Married (monogamous)

How would you best classify this hookup? Short fling

How long did you know the person before this hookup? Just met that day

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? Met online through Ashely Madison. My husband is disabled and no longer able to have sex and I wanted to move from internet sex to in-person because I was so “skin hungry.” We exchanged photos and some sexual fantasies online before agreeing to meet for coffee to decide whether or not we wanted to take this further. Pleasant looking, educated professional a few years younger than I was, reporting wife no longer wanted to have sex and he was frustrated. I had not hooked up during my marriage, although often before meeting my husband 34 years ago. Before the hookup I was curious what the sex would be like. I didn’t think we had much in common besides sexual hunger, but I was not looking for a relationship and he was clearly a “nice” man who wanted to protect his marriage, so we had this in common.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? Hookup began online. Increasing disability of my husband and his unwillingness to try non-intercourse sexuality led to wanting to move beyond internet sex. Planning involved finding a hotel/motel and agreeing to split costs. Mutually instigated.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? Oral and vaginal sex. Disappointed in sexual skill of partner: jump on, pump away, unable to orgasm during intercourse: only with hand job. Had great sex with my husband when he was healthy and with partners when I was single, or they were teachable, but apparently this was problem for this man before. Partner much taken with my skill sexually and definitely enjoyed himself, but could not reciprocate even though I gently asked for oral sex and more manual stimulation when he couldn’t come with intercourse (which I prefer). We talked about our lives and sexual fantasies. Ended when each of us needed to return home.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? A little

Did you have an orgasm? Yes, more than one

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? Plans to meet again after the first time. Felt ok the next day, not guilty, only disappointed in quality of sex. Hoped getting to know one another better would help. I have hypnosis skills, so offered to help utilizing trance for next time. Online chats. Nothing helped despite several meetings. He wanted to continue, but I didn’t think it was worth the money or the risk. It wasn’t sexual fun, which I craved..

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) None, Discussed STI testing history, Neither of us had sexual partners before outside our marriages, so I took risk that we were both ok.

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, It was easy / convenient

How intoxicated were you? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)

How intoxicated was your partner? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? Woman friend who understood. Approved.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Other

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Do you regret this hookup? Not at all

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? I realized I could have a hookup without a lot of complications

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? Disappointing sexually

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? No. Just disappointed that finding someone my age range with health and well-functioning sexually is likely to be difficult.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Somewhat positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative

Anything else you want to add about this hookup? I think there is a role for casual sex for older adults with disabled or unwilling partners. Issue is making sure it is safe for all parties and expectations are similar. Always an element of risk. I used a pseudonym with partner and alternative email from my regular email.

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? It’s all context. When I was young I was unsure of myself, including sexually. Often I engaged with somewhat exploitative partners. I was exchanging sex for affection. After the end of my marriage, when I was in my 30s, casual sex was often enjoyable with no expectations for more in between relationships that had more meaning. I discovered the power of my sexuality and did not confuse love with sex. I didn’t like finding out that male partners of friends sought to have sex with me. I didn’t want to hurt another woman. I very much enjoyed sexual flings on vacations in foreign countries. All of the sex I had was pre-HIV, so I never had to worry about that risk, but I did get an STI and hepatitis, both scary experiences.

I don’t want moralism about casual sex to reenter the culture, but I think many women need to learn the difference between sex and love in order to enjoy themselves without eroding their self esteem. They need to understand that most men will have sex with any willing partner without any expectation of continuing relationship, so women need to have low expectations for continuance. You cannot have the same quality of sex usually that you have in an ongoing, loving relationship, although sometimes it can be very exciting. I’ve enjoyed having casual sex with men I was curious about, like former professors or friends. It was fun meeting a former casual sex partner in the parking lot of my child’s school years later: we both got a buzz off of the memories. I would like that women, in particular, not be labeled “sluts” for having casual sex (no double standard). I would like if both partners were realistically able to discuss their expectations beforehand, but I think that too many people think talking “ruins the mood.” I suspect there are a lot of people engaging in casual sex hoping for more. That leaves one sad and feeling exploited, but it is also a way people set themselves up for corrosive emotional impact.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? Great idea

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!