What’s your gender? Man
How old are you? 30
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? Europe
What country and/or city do you live in? I’ll have to be vague
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your occupation? Lover
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Agnostic
How religious are you? Somewhat
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? Exploritory
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? ~30
How long ago did this hookup happen? About 2 years
What was your relationship status at the time? Single
How would you best classify this hookup? Short fling
How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than a week
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? Hailey; Not her real name was on a tour with me. She was a striking woman with dark shadowy eyes that drew you in, she couldn’t help it. Long tangling hair, a Viking’s daughter. She didn’t mean to be seductive, but there was always something about her which I couldn’t help but be attracted to.
How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? We traveled around on the bus as a group for 3-4 days before on the 3rd day I made a B line to sit with her. I had already put my foot down with some of the other girls on the tour, I really didn’t want to be the guy that ruined the trip for some people by turning one down for another. She was maybe the last girl I hadn’t attempted to chat to and it wasn’t that she seemed to mind that so much. As I later found out far later she had a lot happening in her life back home and this trip was some level of escapism from that.
I was interested and just listened. She had stories that she seemed to want to tell, some about her personal relationships which I could tell would have been awkward for her to disclose to others that knew her. Plus the obligatory chat of family, where you’re from, what you do. etc etc.
Fast forward to later that night and it was apparent my choice of whom I associated with that day was noted and I felt it a little. However, Hailey chose to stay in the hostel in Galway that evening while the rest of the group hit the town. As they say in Ireland, we had a grand time and the Craic was good. Right until the very end of the night when one of the group had singled me out and attempted to kiss me. Right there I knew I was screwed. She looked and smiled at me as we got ready to walk home, “I’m sorry, I can’t” and being tired drunk and emotional, that particular girl was quite upset, to say the least. I made myself scarce in the opposite direction and melted into the crowd to get some air. We all, including Hailey, were sleeping in the same room that evening, and the last thing I needed was to walk straight back into that. I walked around the rapidly quieting streets of Galway for a while, got some chips before the shop shut and just meandered along the water fronts.
Completely losing track of time, I started back in the direction of the hostel and remembered there was a curfew and password to get back in. It was way after curfew, almost 3 am, and I couldn’t remember the pass. But somehow I got in and opened the dorm door as quietly as I could. I heard two of the group whisper to each other, they seemed concerned I had up & left. I acted ‘drunk’ and knocked around a bit as to show I wasn’t hearing anything. That’s when I realized Hailey was on the bunk directly above me. It was just torturous. It was now clear there was only one girl on the tour I would click with, and I laid down thinking about her just staring back up at the mattress she was sleeping on.
The next morning I again made myself scarce for breakfast and kept a hoodie and dark glasses on. We were all headed to a small set of rocky islands off the coast. I think the tour guide stitched me up, it was July and I was told the micro weather out there could be quite hot at times. I chose shorts and a tee shirt to go with the bike I hired. Big mistake. I’ve never felt so cold in my life. After 3 hours riding in the rain, lost, alone, I headed back to civilization where I found the others. They took pity on me as I was in a very poor state. I also had my immune system belted from a few weeks of heavy drinking and a mate I made who brought a cold of some sort with him to which I later got quite sick.
Getting back to the hostel, I rushed to clean myself up and get warm clean clothes. Everyone was really nice to me and offered to get me something to eat that night and a few beers. We sat around as a tour group over tea and everything seemed really amicable on all fronts. We all discussed things to do that night, the group of girls on the tour all wanted to hit the town again, my mate wanted to go to a pool tournament, the other group of girls were all in other rooms. The only other staying in my room was off reading a book. The girls asked if I was coming out, they really wanted a guy with them, not to treat me like a piece of meat, but because they wanted me with them. I declined stating I was really sick, which was becoming true. They gave me a death stare and looked to my side, as everyone was filtering away to other ventures for the night, I was left with Hailey sitting beside me. Looking back, all the girls looked at me as if to say “Don’t you even dare, buddy!” then they left.
What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? The conversation sort of walked around a bit, talking about everything & nothing at all. I seemed to have Hailey’s complete attention, she didn’t seem to be interested in anything else but capturing my attention. I really didn’t want to be too forth with her, I didn’t know what if anything she knew about the other events that had been happening plus I didn’t want to say something stupid that may push her away.
Hailey eventually looked straight at me and said “Sometimes you just need to be brave, I guess” Looking back I saw the most terrifying thing I could think off, Hailey boring a hole in me with eyes that were just on fire. Just a look as to say ‘do it!’ A rye smile that suggested that there was far more to this. I think I suggested we head somewhere more private to which she agreed. Hailey stood up and headed off, I gave it a moment and discarded the rest of my beer while heading to the bathroom to splash some water on my face. I couldn’t have set it up any worse with not being shaven, infact looking half like death really.
I got to the dorm door and swiped my card, cracking the door, I first saw our two bunks then Hailey standing beside them. I pulled the door closed behind me and stared back to her, I don’t think I’d ever felt so intimidated or scared and probably so under prepared.
Walking to her, I remember her seeming not so confident all of a sudden and I needed to be a little more assertive with what was about to happen. I remember the rush as I reached to push her hair away from her shoulder and neck and pulled her in to kiss me. I struggled to get in enough oxygen as my body was gearing up for whatever may come next, I was almost in melt down. I gripped at Hailey’s jeans and pulled her gorgeous hips into me. We didn’t seem to be able to figure out what to do with each other and how this was all going to play out, we just seemed to stand nose to nose waiting for something. I reached up to grasp the rail of the bunk to steady myself, Hailey gasped as she looked at my chest. I looked down and could see my shirt moving around, Hailey said ever so quietly “Oh my god, your heart” And it was rocketing away. Stopping for a moment listening to this completely quiet room, I couldn’t even hear the equally labored breathing from the goddess standing right in front of me due to the pounding sound of blood in my ears.
We just stuck stared at each other, mouths open in almost disbelief to what we were now witnessing. Hailey almost looked in shock while I had blood descending in my vision stepping forward to go in for a kill. This was spiraling out of control rapidly in an environment we had no control over, I was about to go all in on this temptress and I didn’t care about anyone or anything else happening.
I wrapped my hands lower than Hailey’s hips and lifted her firm ass up to which she grabbed my shoulders. I picked her up with her legs now wrapping around me and I walked her completely to the other end of the room bumping her into a mirror on the wall beside the other girls’ bunks. That was probably the only time to that point I thought about any, trouble. Stepping over the others bags.
I set to work on Hailey’s neck, pressing myself hard into her body holding her to the wall. I could feel her fingers running over my shoulders and nails starting to dig into my skin. God, I wanted her to put her claws straight through the fabric and tear the shirt clean off me so bad.
I started to feel weak, a sign of the sickness I had, and could even feel the adrenaline not keeping up. My heart rate tempered and breathing was difficult, I guess partly from the kissing and sucking I was trying. Putting Hailey back to the floor, we walked around the room close to each other, almost hand in hand back to where we started only a few minutes before at our own beds. Hailey looked at me and her eyes darted around in a scared confused and excited way. They were going from me to the beds, the top, the bottom, around the room, beds, me again. It was like she wanted to tell me something but couldn’t. My head was swimming, just lost in how I’d ended up here and I had this feeling this just could not be.
Then a sound I will NEVER forget. It was like shattering glass and the entire room dissolved from a place of lust to a clinically lit set of walls with cheap beds. The sound of a swipe card going into the door and the electronic ‘zip’ as the lock undid itself. The handle cracked down at the door pushed open.
The quiet girl had finished with her book and come back, shattering the moment. Hailey and I turned immediately and looked for other interests on the floor, picking up scattered clothes and generally looking nonchalant as the other girl stuck her head in & entered.
As she made herself comfortable, I looked to Hailey who just smiled. I was shell-shocked, I had to get out of the room. I again changed my sweat covered shirt and left to get back to the common room. I needed to collect my thoughts. I sat a while to wait for the others to return, I thought it best to try and smooth things over to show I was there alone. I really just wanted to hide under the blankets at that time.
Returning, the girls said I hadn’t missed anything important on the town that evening and asked how I was and what I had been doing. The only answers were, I was ok but very tired which was true. And also that I was bored and nothing had happened, which was a blue faced lie.
I went to bed again, tortured once more by my predicament and placement in the world. I need not have worried me as being racked with sickness and tiredness I was spent, collapsing on the pillow and sleeping fairly heavily til the morning.
How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Somewhat
Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close
Did your partner have an orgasm? I don’t know
What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? Hailey was leaving that morning. The tour split in two and she was to head off back towards Dublin. I got up while the others had the chance to sleep in. Hailey had the early start and got up to do the final packing. At breakfast she had been set upon by another person for a chat, I could understand why there was something captivating about her. I sat a table across and a table back, I felt very sheepish and I guess awkward. There was no point discussing anything else but what had happened, at the same time, nothing was going to happen so there wasn’t a lot more to discuss on the matter.
A sharp voice asked “are you just going to sit there alone and not say hello?” I turned and saw a friendly face looking at me. I slipped across noting the other gentleman had moved on and sat kind on diagonally from her. I didn’t want to get too close in case the others came, I wanted the bridge that had been built to last, at least another day or two until the tour completely wrapped up. I think I commented something about the craziness of what had happened. I don’t remember much of that conversation, she had my head belted sideways and I couldn’t think straight. Hailey was short of time and cleared off to collect the last of her things leaving me. I stood and said goodbye to everyone at reception one by one, there was one of the group of girls that was leaving, the others stayed in bed. Almost last to leave was Hailey, I took her hand and shook it. I asked “What if I want to say hi sometime?” She smiled and gave me a piece of paper to write on. I took to it with earnest and handed it back, she looked at it and smiled. Then, in full view of anyone that cared to look, stepped forward and kissed me, slow, right in the middle of the reception area. And with that, she turned and left.
I walked after her to the top of the steps and lent back on the handrails, watching this bewitching woman walk down the stairs and out of my life from what started as such unassuming beginnings. Hailey took the turn at the halfway point of the flight, turned and looked back at me before continuing on. And a look that still to this day which absolutely devastates me, gave me a look as if to say “Do it”
It makes me want to cry and it felt like I just had my heart torn from my chest. At that moment.
With that all said & done, I made haste to get back in to bed to hide again and enjoy the final moments before I too had to leave.
What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) None,
What were your motives for this hookup? Attraction to partner(s), Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Making new friends, Just happened, I don’t know why, just went along with it, I didn’t want it but was unable to stop it, It was an unstoppable force of nature
How intoxicated were you? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it
What substances did you consume? Alcohol
How intoxicated was your partner? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)
How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very
Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I didn’t give a clear ‘yes’, but I didn’t give a ‘no’
How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? I don’t know / I’m not sure
Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They didn’t give a clear ‘yes’, but didn’t give a ‘no’
To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? Only my friend, much later on. They just laughed and belted my shoulder with a slap. I wanted to cry on his shoulder again.
How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively positive
Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Somewhat
Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure
Do you regret this hookup? A little bit
Why do you regret this hookup? I didn’t want to hurt anyone, but I had made a stand with the other girls and shattered that for this girl.
It also hurt me, I had been so invested in what was going on in such a short time. I wish it wasn’t the case.
What was the BEST thing about this hookup? The risque nature and intensity
What was the WORST thing about this hookup? No pique to the excitement
Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Not sure how to answer this.
All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Fairly positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative
Anything else you want to add about this hookup? The story didn’t completely end there. It’s not actually my place to fill in the rest knowing what I now know. It actually took a long time, far longer than I care to admit, to get over this one. It actually rattled me a bit. The man who gets to keep Hailey will be a truly lucky man. In a lot of ways I don’t think of Hailey as an overly sexual person, in fact even if I had an opinion I wouldn’t know. But she has elements to her personality which are loving and caring. For that I wish her the best
What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do
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