My Idea of Sexual Freedom in My 20s

by DC Dater

What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 32
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? USA, Washington DC
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Unitarian
How religious are you? A little
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 8
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

My idea of sexual freedom in my 20s

How long ago did this hookup happen? 8 years

What was your relationship status at the time? Single

How would you best classify this hookup? Short fling

How long did you know the person before this hookup? Just met that day

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He was a good looking guy who I met out at a bar, didn’t know much about at all except that he was an electrician. I was drinking quite a bit and feeling very flirtatious and empowered.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? I was drinking so I don’t remember the details but we agreed he should come back to my place (no planning beforehand!) and I don’t know who suggested this, but it was very mutual.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? It was straightforward sex. He was older than I was and told me I had a “perfect body” and that was a big turn-on. I don’t remember anything remarkable about the sex (missionary, if I recall). It was brief but intense and we both fell asleep after.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? A little

Did you have an orgasm? No, but I was close

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? This was my first “one night stand” but I wasn’t very good at that. I ended up calling him again later for a reprisal which was not as good as the first and then it fizzled out. It helped me realize that sex outside of a relationship was not for me (at least as far as I could tell then and as I have lived out since then). I felt very empowered in the moment but then wanted a sense that it was “special”. But there was zero real connection between us.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms, Birth control pill / patch / ring / injection / implant

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Learning new things, experimenting, Thought it was an important experience to have, Intoxication

How intoxicated were you? Drunk/high but not wasted

What substances did you consume? Alcohol

How intoxicated was your partner? Drunk/high but not wasted

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? To my roommate at the time. She was much more sexually experimental than I was (or at least more experienced in “random” hookups) so it felt normal to tell her I had brought him home.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively positive

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all

Do you regret this hookup? A little bit

Why do you regret this hookup? For the most part, this was a learning experience for me. I learned that I am not the type of person who gets satisfaction from casual sexual relationships. It was the only hookup for me outside of a relationship and I mostly regret it because I can’t remember his name and there was no meaning to it aside from an ego boost.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? It definitely was a boost to my ego, and I learned about my own boundaries as regards casual sex.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? I think i was influenced by popular culture (Sex and the City), which is not the best reason to seek out a sexual encounter. Afterwards I texted and met up with him again and tried to make it more than it was because I had to reconcile my own inner compass with what I had done in the name of sexual freedom. I felt embarrassed at myself for pursuing him afterwards while knowing we weren’t a match.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Yes, definitely. I learned that casual sex is not for me (or at least was not at the time and still is not).

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Fairly positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative

Anything else you want to add about this hookup? He was very respectful and complimentary — we were just not a match for a real relationship

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I respect that sex is different for all people. I prefer it to be in a committed relationship or one with potential, but I can understand why others get pleasure out of more casual relationships with sex. I do think it is a social construct for us to expect that one partner provides a lifetime of sexual pleasure, but I’m not sure I would step outside of that construct. I also am worried about why people engage in casual sexual relationships, and feel that if it comes from a place of confidence and self-knowledge that it can be positive, but if it comes from an ego-level need that it can be self-destructive. I appreciate cultures that allow for more sexual freedom.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? I support the curiosity and open mindness of the project

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!