Lessons Learned

by Linda

Gender: Female
Age: 23
Race/ethnicity: Chinese- American
Location: Seattle, WA
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
Relationship status: Single
How religious are you? Very
Sexual orientation: Mostly heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 5
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Lessons Learned

How long ago did this hookup happen? 6 months

How would you best classify this hookup? Short fling

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? I met this guy because he is my best friend’s housemate. My best friend and I had a huge fight and we didn’t speak for a couple of months, so I hadn’t been over to her house since he had moved in. The first few times that I saw him, I didn’t interact with him at all, and I wasn’t immediately attracted to him. Then one night, we were all going out dancing because it was their other housemate’s last weekend in town. She and I cajoled him into coming out with us even though he was reluctant, and in general, seemed standoffish. He and I had a short conversation just as all of us were walking. It wasn’t too profound, but I immediately felt comfortable talking to him, and I thought we had the potential to be good friends. He went home early, and I stayed out late with other friends. When I saw him the next day, I was really nervous, and I realized that I was beginning to have a crush on him. A week later, I began talking to him on Facebook, and I asked for his number. We had a lot of long, slightly flirtatious conversations over text, and my feelings for him deepened.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? I had just gone through the break up of a 4 year relationship, and I was actually staying at his house (also my best friend’s house) while I looked for a new place to live. I had been upset earlier in the evening, and 2 of my other friends took me out for dinner to make me feel better. When I got back to the house, I just wanted to drink, so I asked him if he wanted to drink with me. We drank for awhile, and then a couple of my female friends and I laid on his bed as a joke. They soon left, and he laid down next to me. We began talking, and I think both of us were sort of aware that we liked each other. We had been flirting over text for awhile, but I think we were both nervous about making the first move. I’m not really sure who instigated it. He put his arm around me, and I asked him if he liked me. He said that he did and that I was pretty and funny.  I told him that I liked him a lot, but it wouldn’t be a good idea for me to pursue a relationship because I was going through a break up. He backed off and we just kept talking.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? Did you have an orgasm? Did your partner(s)? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? The first night, we just stayed up all night and talked. After many hours of just cuddling, we finally kissed the next morning. After that kiss, he said that all he wanted was to kiss me, and he didn’t expect anything more. It was very sweet and innocent, and I was definitely developing real feelings for him. His kisses were the best kisses I had ever experienced.

I believe that it was the next night that we had sex for the first time. I performed oral sex on him first. I was really nervous because I had only ever performed oral sex on one other person previously. I was even more nervous and self conscious when he insisted on performing oral sex on me. Before he penetrated me, he asked me if I was sure I wanted to have sex. I thought that was really sweet. I told him I was sure. We had sex in missionary for a while, and then I got on top. Neither of us orgasmed, but it was really enjoyable for me. It was passionate, and I felt really attracted to and turned on by him. We had sex again the next night, and he finally orgasmed while I was on top. I didn’t orgasm, but I came really close when he orgasmed.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? Did you discuss STI history? We used condoms the first time we had sex, but he was having trouble orgasming with a condom on. I was on the pill, so I told him he didn’t have to wear a condom. We didn’t discuss STI history. I trusted that he would tell me if he had an STI, which in hindsight, I admit wasn’t the smartest assumption.

What were your REASONS for having this hookup? I was really attracted to this person, and I had developed romantic feelings for him.

Were alcohol or drugs involved? If so, how much? We had both had a few drinks the first night, but we didn’t have sex at all that night. I was completely sober the next two nights when we did have sex. He usually drinks a few beers every night, so I assume he had those nights.

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it? What are your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? Immediately after, I felt really happy and hopeful that we would begin a relationship, or that we would at least remain good friends. However, things became pretty awkward after that, and he decided not to pursue a relationship with me. As far as how I feel about him now, I am just really confused. Part of me hates him for saying and doing so many romantic things while not being sure that he wanted to actually be with me; another part of me still hopes that he will change his mind because I still have feelings for him; and yet another part of me just feels an enormous sense of empathy toward him because he seems really lonely and emotionally unavailable to everyone.

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I told my best friend who lives with him. At first, she was angry at me, but she has since told me that she just didn’t want me to get hurt, and she has been more supportive recently. I also told a few of my other friends, and they were supportive. Of course, his other housemates could deduce what was happening since it was happening in their house. They have mostly just pretended like nothing happened.

Was this a consensual and/or wanted experience for you? For your partner? It was very consensual. I think we both realized what a stupid idea it was, but the attraction was so strong on both our parts.

Do you regret this hookup? If so, why? I’m not sure if I regret it. The sex was amazing, and the feelings were even more amazing while they were reciprocated. But the fallout afterward has been so painful. However, I wouldn’t undo it because I learned so much from this experience.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? How about the WORST? Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? The best thing was the feeling of having such an intense connection with someone. Every moment of it was really special and passionate. The worst thing was how awkward and painful it was after, when we both realized that we were too incompatible to actually pursue a relationship. This experience has definitely changed the way I look at sex and relationships. I’ve realized that just because you have great chemistry and great sex with someone doesn’t mean that it will be a great relationship.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Somewhat positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Somewhat negative

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