by Von Rebay
What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 37
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? USA
Highest education received: Post-graduate degree (currently pursuing)
What’s your occupation? Artist Research
What’s your current relationship status? Single
What’s your sexual orientation? Mostly heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? A lot
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0
“This Might Sound Weird, but…”
How long ago did this hookup happen? the past seven months
What was your relationship status at the time? Single
How would you best classify this hookup? Short fling
How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than a month
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? Let’s call him Sinbad. Sinbad was wearing jeans and a white t-shirt, smoking outside a music venue. He had dark hair and features, was strong, stocky, buff. My friend and I chatted him up for a smoke and it turned out he was bandmates with another good friend. I shared funny stories I had heard about the band. I didn’t think much about him. We all went inside to get beers and see our friend’s show.
How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? Once inside, he immediately made it known he wanted me by sitting next to me at the bar and pressing his leg against mine. I found this to be pretty hot; I love it when a man knows what he wants and goes for it. His leg under the table was just enough for me to know what he was doing, but subtle enough that we did not acknowledge it. Speaking with his body. This would become a theme. We went to find an upstairs smoking lounge, but the door was locked. At this moment, he picked me up by my legs, pushed me up against the wall, pressed his body against mine and kissed me. He started to look for a place to lay me down, almost pushed everything off a desk, but I stopped him, laughing. We had met all of 45 minutes ago. That night I went home and received texts from him. He had gotten my number from our mutual friend. He pursued me for a few weeks, we had some text conversation, he asked me to “hang out” but I was traveling and seeing someone in another city. I told Sinbad I was seeing someone else. He still wanted to hang out. Once I broke up with the guy out of town, I told Sinbad to come meet me one night when some friends and I were at an event. He came in ten minutes. He was forward, said he wanted to kiss me all over. My friends said he looked “smitten.” We went back to his place that night.
What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? First we made out on his porch. He liked when I sat backwards on his lap. He liked when I danced a little for him. In his bedroom he lit candles. We had a wild night, we really did. I think we had sex like seven times. He had a large, beautiful penis, and I told him so. I told him I wanted to call him Papi. He liked that. I was tipsy and uninhibited. I was relieved to be out of the previous relationship. I felt free and happy. It was summer and it was a warm night and I remember we had an immediate understanding with our bodies. His energy felt really strong and warm to me, and his big dick was very exciting to behold. I have a great ass and he loved getting to know it. We had a real romp and he was a fine lover. He was into telling me what to do. I was turned on by this, by his masculinity and power over me. This would come up again and again as this fling got going. He loved to talk during sex, and we would tell each other all about our fantasies, what we wanted, what we felt, what we liked. We fantasized a lot together about multiple partners, anal, pornography, lesbian acts, fucking outside, deep-throat, and hardcore. He liked to talk about our bodies a lot, he liked to objectify them.
The morning after that first time, Sinbad took me out for donuts, drove me home and tried to go at it again at my place. I texted my friends about it: Overheard last night: “This might sound weird, but I think I’m in love with your penis.”
How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Very
Did you have an orgasm? No, but I was close
Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, multiple
What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? Sinbad contacted me over the next many days and the next many many nights, lasting over six months. We explored our intense sexual chemistry. We did all kinds of things to/with each other. Mostly he was dominant, and I was submissive. I kept an erotic journal. One night I was so loud that my neighbors almost called the cops.
This was all very exciting and erotic and weird and interesting, but I constantly was left feeling alone and in need. I asked for more from him on multiple occasions, but he did not want a real relationship. Eventually we had to call it quits when a family member of mine became ill. I realized throughout this experience that I was trying to “do casual” but I really wasn’t very good at it. I knew I wanted more pretty early on. I voiced this but he would say I am “better” than him and that I deserve so much more than he can give. We would argue about it sometimes, which was not healthy. We did not have healthy communication. He was stubborn and not that easy to talk to, would get frustrated and loud. He is younger than me and immature. He has trust issues from previous relationship experiences. I tried to explain that the sexual explorations we were doing really required better understanding of each other’s needs, better communication, but it was hard. My needs were not being met and I tried to figure it out with him but he did not feel the same way. I wish I had better boundaries – I really liked him a lot and tried to be patient and understanding, hoping he would open up. It was actually pretty painful when we ended things. The sex was in no way “casual” at that point – it was way more connected. But sex means different things to different people. I feel like he got what he wanted and I did not. We were sexually involved for the better part of a year – is this actually “casual?”
When my family member got sick, I told Sinbad I needed someone I could rely on. Sinbad insisted I deserve better than him, that he cannot do a relationship. He returned to me soon after and said he was so sorry, that he got freaked out, that he is “bad at this stuff,” that he wanted to be more responsible to me and that he wanted me to feel good about liking him. He said about our physical chemistry that “some people never have what we have in all their lives”. He said we were like “honeymooners.” He seduced me, said to relax and let it feel good. We talked about how I felt confused by him. We agreed it was important to spend more time together outside of the bedroom. We had plans to do so two days later. Guess what? Sinbad couldn’t keep the plans, got freaked out again, avoided me and then ultimately dumped me on the street. It totally broke my heart, and it was exactly what I was afraid of.
For the majority of our fling, he was direct and vocal about what he wanted and needed, that he was only interested in a fun, relaxed, noncommittal arrangement. He sometimes opened up about fears he had, and he told me he moved at a glacial pace in relationships. Because of that I tried to be patient. But he told me his truth, he had set boundaries. I chose to continue seeing him. I ended up getting hurt.
What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Withdrawal, Condoms, Birth control pill / patch / ring / injection / implant, IUD (Intrauterine device), Fertility awareness (days counting, temperature)
What were your motives for this hookup? Attraction to partner(s), Learning new things, experimenting, Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Hoping or expecting it would lead to something more, Power / Dominance, Submission / Relinquishing power
How intoxicated were you? A little tipsy/high
What substances did you consume? Alcohol
How intoxicated was your partner? A little tipsy/high
What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol
How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Somewhat
Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent
How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very
Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent
To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? My friends, etc. They were excited. Some people thought he was a badboy, and that I should not get involved with him!
How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Mixed (Some positive, some negative)
Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Very
Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure
Do you regret this hookup? Somewhat
Why do you regret this hookup? I regret that it went on as long as it did without my being more clear about boundaries and needs. I feel like I did not communicate as well as I normally do. I feel like his arrogance made it hard for me to talk about what I wanted and needed sexually. We were on different pages.
What was the BEST thing about this hookup? The best thing? The best thing was ME! My passion! My belief in him, my desires and attempts to make him feel good and to trust me…I saw so much potential…potential can get people in trouble! The best thing was when I saw the openness and vulnerability he possessed, when he opened up and showed me the realer side of his desire, the heart connection. I loved all his complexities and was patient. I feel like I am the dream woman – incredibly passionate sexually because I have real feelings of desire – that’s why the sex was so good for him!!
What was the WORST thing about this hookup? The worst thing was feeling so needy after having sex and feeling like he didn’t care about me. The worst thing was when he would push me away. The worst thing was the waiting, the not knowing.
Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? BIGTIME. I am NOT a casual sex person! It really did not work for me and it SUPREMELY fucked with my head and heart. Do I feel this way because of the deeper feelings I had for this particular man? If I entered into a casual arrangement without falling for someone, would that be better? Maybe at a different point in my life under different experiences like for example if I am getting out of a long-term relationship and hard breakup, then perhaps I would be down. But right now I do not think I could put myself through that ever again! I actually was interested in this man, but I did not get the chance to really be with him or get to know each other better. I wanted to, the willingness was there, but when I tried to go further with him, he rebuked me. It made me question what sex and intimacy means to people – it can mean really different things to different people and this is hard for me to understand. But I am trying to.
All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Somewhat positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Fairly negative
Anything else you want to add about this hookup? The man I was recently involved with has negative connotations of relationships so I wonder if he will continue to remain in casual arrangements, in which case he might repeat patterns of hurting people, or avoid real personal connection, growth and development. He was afraid of that space between casual and seriously committed. We were exclusively sleeping with each other, but he was not honest about how he really felt about me, he hid his true feelings. If people have casual sex but hide their feelings, I just don’t see how that can be a good thing for either party. I can only hope he finds what he is looking for in someone who he can trust enough to let them in. He came across as selfish, unstable, emotionally all over the map, not grounded. I think a relationship might be just what he needs at some point soon to get anchored and make healthier decisions! Sex is too important and sacred for me to take for granted in a casual arrangement.
I thought of casual as a loose, easy relationship, without depth – meaningless. Now I am trying to understand that casual can have meaning and depth for someone, but only in the sex. I see that someone might get the emotional connection through the sex and not want or need it anyplace else. I thought casual was something with a definite end date, for both people. That there are not real feelings, that there is no potential or possibility, there is just this easygoing fun atmosphere. It usually is best when one person is moving away. For this hookup, this guy got the connection he needed by having a flimsy arrangement whereby he could call on me when he wanted to get busy but never have to meet any of my expectations. Pretty shite.
What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I am sure it can be fine for some people – sex means different things to different people. I am learning about this. People should be clear about their perceptions. If someone only wants to have a casual fling, even if it is somewhat ongoing, they still have this hard limitation. I just am so completely turned off by that now. Casual would not work for me now. It has kind of worked in the past when I was much younger. Maybe it will work someday in the future. For me, sex is better when it is is beyond casual. I reach better orgasm when there is that sexual trust, that honesty about how you feel about each other, how much you like/enjoy each other, all the positives and the willingness to see where it goes.
What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? All that said, I think this project is really cool. I love learning about other people’s experiences and I will always want to read about all kinds of sex!! It is teaching me a lot. I know my story is about something that was casual to the other person and not to me – so I hope it still counts.
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