Regretting BJ

by Ally

What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 38
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your occupation? Retail
What’s your current relationship status? Engaged/Married (monogamous)
Religious affiliation: Agnostic
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 17
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Regretting BJ

How long ago did this hookup happen? 2months

What was your relationship status at the time? Same as current status

How would you best classify this hookup? Short fling

How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than 6 months

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He is 33 and athletic with brown hair and blue eyes. I found him very attractive immediately. He started at my job about two months prior to the first hookup. I developed a huge crush on him. He was always very flirtatious with me at work. Nothing overt, but I started out loving the attention and ended up craving it. We started texting about a lot about two weeks after he started. Nothing crazy but I got pretty bold about telling him how I felt. I think I just loved that this really hot guy was giving me this attention and it became so important to me that it did not stop. The most sexual the texts ever got was both of us telling the other our favorite positions. But never any pics or real sexting.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? A bunch of us went out to a bar. This was not uncommon for our coworkers. I usually did not go out, do every once in a while. I did not plan on anything happening. But if I’m honest I was excited to hang out with Eric and spent a lot of time getting ready. I knew there was a chance something might happen. There was 9 of us that went out. They all drink a lot. I had enough to feel drunk. Throughout the night I think it became more and more clear to both of us that hooking up was on the table. As people started leaving he asked if I wanted to come back to his place for a bit before I headed home. I immediately said yes. We took an Uber to his apartment.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? When we got to his place he offered me a glass of wine or a beer. I took him up on the wine. He started teasing me right away about my crush on him. I remember him asking, “what does your crush entitle me too?” I remember thinking that was a weird thing to say. Being kinda drunk and caught up in him I said, “well, what would you like?” That’s when he kissed me for the first time. I melted. We made out while standing in the kitchen for a couple of minutes. He broke away and suggested I finish my glass. I did quickly. He took my hand and led me to his bedroom. Things escalated quickly from there. He had me on the bed and as we made out he started removing my clothing. He was very rough with me and had me in just my underwear quickly. I liked the roughness. He spent a lot of time sucking and biting my breasts. Which also I liked. He used his fingers on me for a couple of minutes which felt good. Then he got off me and pulled me up so I was sitting on the edge of the bed. I remember feeling very exposed almost completely naked sitting in front of him. I both loved and hated it. I stay in shape but I’m not 21 anymore. He caressed my hair and I reached into his boxers and pulled them down. He was a little larger than my husband but fairly similar in size. I took him in my mouth. After a minute he put his hands on my head. It was so weird having another man in my mouth after 16 years of marriage. He was very different. Taking over my movements, he went very deep and even gagged me a couple of times. I was not enjoying how forceful he was. He kept saying how good it felt as he fucked my mouth. I was really hoping he would want to have sex soon. Because this was not what I wanted to do. Then, without telling me, he came. He held my head as he came in my mouth so I could not stop. I swallowed most of it and almost threw up. It tasted horrible. I have always hated the taste of cum.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? A little

Did you have an orgasm? No, but I was close

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, one

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? When he was done cumming he let go of my head and told me I was “a great cocksucker”. He laid down and had me lay next to him. I was pissed he came in my mouth like that. But I also loved laying with him after. He got me an Uber home after about 30 minutes. I cried on the way home. I felt horrible for cheating and felt used even though I wanted the hookup. I wanted more lovemaking, not just to give him a blowjob. The texting slowed down after this. It was kind of awkward at work. I missed the way it was before and I wanted him to still want me. About a week after he texted that he wanted to talk about stuff. After work, we went out to his car. It was late at night. Within minutes I realized he did not want to talk and just wanted another blowjob. I ended up giving him one in his car in the parking lot. It was just like the first time. He took control and after a little while he came in my mouth without warning and held my head down. I kind of expected it that time though and did not throw up at all. But it still tasted horrible. After that, I decided to stop outside work contact with him. I want him to want me still. I still have a crush. But I think he just wants to use me to get off quickly when he’s horny.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) None

What were your motives for this hookup? Attraction to partner(s), Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Hoping or expecting it would lead to something more, To feel better about myself, To feel more desirable, I was feeling lonely, Didn’t want to disappoint my partner

How intoxicated were you? Drunk/high but not wasted

What substances did you consume? Alcohol

How intoxicated was your partner? Drunk/high but not wasted

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? Nobody until now. I think Eric told a coworker though. He has been acting really weird lately.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? I didn’t tell anyone

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Very

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all

Do you regret this hookup? Very much

Why do you regret this hookup? Cheating on my husband. And That he just wanted to get off and did not want to really be with me. I feel very used.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? The flirting before. I had butterflies in my stomach. I miss that feeling.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? H cumming in my mouth and not giving me the respect to decide if that was okay.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Kind of. It can be fine if your single and there is mutual respect.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Not at all positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Fairly negative

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? Before marriage a had a few casual relationships. I think even then I did it for the attention.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? It’s a good release

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!