Sex Ended a Potential Relationship

by Miranda

What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 39
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? Pennsylvania, USA
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your occupation? Project Accountant
What’s your current relationship status? Engaged/Married (monogamous)
Religious affiliation: Christian
How religious are you? Very
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 18
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Sex Ended a Potential Relationship

How long ago did this hookup happen? 10 years

What was your relationship status at the time? Dating casually

How would you best classify this hookup? Short fling

How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than a month

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? He was totally my type: white male, tall, dark hair, dark eyes, cute smile, dressed preppy. We had met at a bar on St. Patrick’s Day. He had seen me from across the room, and he came over to me. We spent the rest of the day/night together, but I went home alone. I thought he was awesome, and he was so nice to my friends. We started dating, and we just “clicked” immediately. He talked about “us” and doing things in the future.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? We went on several dates, and one night after dinner at a really nice restaurant, we were hooking up on my couch. I suggested we go to bed, and then we had sex.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? When kissing and touching on the couch, he was fun and engaged. In the bedroom, he was a dud. Not a lot of foreplay. I went down on him; he went down on me for a little bit. And it seemed like he wasn’t into it. We just had sex. It felt very awkward. No talking.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Not at all

Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close

Did your partner have an orgasm? No

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? He spent a long time in the bathroom afterwards. When he came out, he said he felt sick, and he had to go home. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach that this would be the last time I would see him. I was sad the next day and for a while after that. He wouldn’t return my calls. At the time, I was “chronically” single, and I had thought this was a potential boyfriend. I kept beating myself up for “jumping the gun” and initiating sex too soon. What if we had waited?
Now, I realize it wasn’t completely my fault. I still regret initiating sex so soon, but there were shady things about him. In the month I knew him, he never wanted me to come to his apartment. And I’ve realized that guys that talk about the future right away don’t usually mean what they say. And you should be able to talk about having sex before you do it.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, Attraction to partner(s), Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Hoping or expecting it would lead to something more

How intoxicated were you? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it

What substances did you consume? Alcohol

How intoxicated was your partner? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They didn’t give a clear ‘yes’, but didn’t give a ‘no’

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I told 2 or 3 friends that he stopped calling after we had sex. They thought that having sex too soon may have been part of why he stopped calling, but they also thought it was weird. I didn’t share details with most people because I felt like an idiot, and I felt like it was my fault the short-lived relationship had failed.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Mixed (Some positive, some negative)

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Very

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Do you regret this hookup? Somewhat

Why do you regret this hookup? It was very painful at the time because I had so little success with men at the time. I had a lot of regret about initiating sex.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? It showed me quickly that he was a dud.
It helped me change my future behavior and showed me what I wanted in life.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? It ended a relationship with a man I thought of as a potential boyfriend.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? It reinforced for me that casual sex is not good for me. I always enjoyed fooling around, but the physical act of sex is unsatisfying when it’s casual. I needed to be more emotionally involved with the next guy before having sex.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? A little positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Fairly negative

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I do know women who can have casual sex and have an orgasm, but casual sex was never satisfying for me. I received more sexual pleasure when fooling around with a guy, kissing and touching.
“Women give sex to get love, and men give love to get sex.” If women want a relationship, they can’t have sex too soon. My advice to young men and women (high school-age, college-age, etc) is hold out for something better. Fooling around is fine, but sex is too fraught with emotion. Get to know the other person first. And if they won’t stick around, then it was never meant to be in the first place.
For casual sex to be successful, you have to go into it knowing/expecting you will never see this person again. Most likely, casual sex will never result in a relationship. So, you have to know what you want first.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? Very cool. As I’m writing about this hookup, I’m thinking about it in a new light. It gave me a new perspective on it. I learned from this mistake.
You should have the question, “Which ‘Sex and the City’ character do you identify with?”
“Which ‘Sex and the City’ character do you wish you were more like?
I’m sure we all wish we were a little more like Samantha.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!