Trying to Save a Marriage



What’s your gender? Man
How old are you? 55
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? USA
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your occupation? Chemist
What’s your current relationship status? In a serious relationship (open)
Religious affiliation: Atheist
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Mostly heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 2
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Trying to Save a Marriage

How long ago did this hookup happen? 12 years ago

What was your relationship status at the time? Engaged/Married (monogamous)

How would you best classify this hookup? Short fling

How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than a month

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? I met this hookup partner on Adult Friend Finder. We chatted online a few times, and met at a coffee shop, and then after work, in my car for a second conversation. She was curvy, slightly on the short side, dark hair and eyes, large breasts. She could carry on an intelligent conversation and was very flirty. I liked her.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? This hookup began with my religious indoctrination and all the twisted anti-sexual ideology that was forced into my young head. I was a virgin when I married at 25 to a good Baptist virgin girl. My wife and I both lacked any real sex education and had a lot of religious hangups. Through the experience of sex, reading, a college education I became less sexually neurotic. My wife, however, didn’t grow as much. For her, after the new had worn off, sex became a chore and she reverted to the “sex is for procreation” thinking of the church. The birth of our last child was the end of our sex life.

We were sexually mismatched. I had grown sexually and wanted to explore (with her), and she couldn’t even do the missionary position. Sexless marriages suck and are doomed to failure, but we tried to stay together for the children. After years of frustration, we negotiated a compromise: I could occasionally have sex outside the marriage as long as I didn’t do anything to publicly embarrass her.

My hookup partner was, unlike me, a very experienced woman. She was sexually active in high school, college, and was at the time in an open marriage. She had been hooking up at swinger clubs. I found my partner on the Internet, and after meeting in person we arranged a date.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? I took her to a nice hotel, and we settled into the room, talked for a few minutes. I was very nervous – this was my first hookup and first sex in years. She was aware and took the lead at first. It wasn’t long until we were naked in the bed, doing foreplay. No oral or anal sex this time. Lots of kissing and fondling. I was in the bed with a woman EAGER to have sex with me. After years of rejection, I was so happy.

During foreplay, I found her g-spot, and she had a noisy climax. She has lovely large breasts, and she instructed me to pinch her nipples. She had another, although not as intense, climax (later found out she has BDSM fantasies). Intercourse was in the missionary position this time, and (if my memory is correct) she had another climax. Sadly, the intercourse didn’t last as long as I wanted and I didn’t climax. She asked if it would bother me if she used her vibrating dildo. That would be a downer to some guys, but it didn’t bother me at all. I got to help – hey, it’s all sex, right?

I thought she was a great lover. She thought I did well also, especially finding her g-spot right off (beginner’s luck) and being open to sex toys.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Very

Did you have an orgasm? No, but I was close

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, multiple

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? The next day I was happy. It was a perfect experience, except for my erection problems. I promptly went to the doctor for some Viagra – probably didn’t need it, but it gave me confidence. I had no hopes for a future with this person, although I hoped we could have more hookups. We did. Over time she dropped out of the swingers clubs, and I became her steady secondary lover. Her husband was a nice guy and we became friends, although not close buddies.

My partner and I are still together, but not married. We go on vacations, to the opera, discuss philosophy, have explored BDSM sex and we are members at a local BDSM dungeon. She hints that we should try a threesome or a swinger’s club. We’re monogamous, but not hung up on it. Someday another hookup could happen.

Not with my wife anymore. The hookup experience proved our differences were far more extensive than mismatched sexual needs.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms, Birth control pill / patch / ring / injection / implant

What were your motives for this hookup? Fun, pleasure, horniness, To feel better about myself, To feel more desirable, I was feeling lonely

How intoxicated were you? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)

How intoxicated was your partner? Not at all (no alcohol or drugs)

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? My wife at the time knew I was meeting someone. She wanted no details. She wanted to put it out of her mind.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Relatively negative

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all

Do you regret this hookup? Not at all

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? A sexy woman actually WANTED sex with me. After the hookup, she wanted to do me again.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? The mild erectile dysfunction was annoying.

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? Sex requires responsibility. Any kind of sex. I see hookups no differently. If BDSM sex is working well for you, great! If monogamy is working well for you, great! If hookups are working for you, great! If gay sex is working well for you, great! If not try something else.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Very positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Not at all negative

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? American society still sees sex as a one-size-fits-all activity. Hetero-normative, white-Christian-American, patriarchal, procreative, one man and one woman for life. Even though attitudes are changing for the better, the American “collective consciousness” still sees the above as the ideal. Rather sexuality ought to be seen as a beautiful swirl of options with the goal to maximize individual pleasure and happiness.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? It’s great. As my experience shows, not all hookups are college students.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!