You Can Be a Hero



What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 46
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? Europe
What country and/or city do you live in? Italy
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your occupation? translator
What’s your current relationship status? In a serious relationship (monogamous)
Religious affiliation: Atheist
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? Monogamous
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 25+
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? none

You Can Be a Hero

How long ago did this hookup happen? 4 years

What was your relationship status at the time? In a relationship (monogamous)

How would you best classify this hookup? Short fling

How long did you know the person before this hookup? Just met that day

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? I met him that day for the first time in person but we met online and had been talking (and recently sexting) at least three years before my visit. I was in a 11-year (physically monogamous) relationship with a live-in boyfriend at the time but we were drifting apart (causing me to search for numerous online sexual partners but zero physical partners yet, until that visit). Therefore I said “no penetration” as my only condition during my visit. I had a feeling that something had to happen for my life to change.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? He invited both me and my partner on a two-week cross-border visit (how slick!). I failed to extend this invitation to my partner and took it only for me. There was plenty of planning involved. I failed to tell the truth to my partner or my family about why I was visiting beautiful Italy all of a sudden. Alone.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? There were sexual acts, sure, just no penetration, as agreed. Plenty of oral. At one point I found myself at the tip of his penis and wished to slide down badly, but a deal was a deal (even though mine!). I think that was the defining moment of my life. And the fact that he took me to meet his father on day three. And that he let me drive his car on day five. He was not a “good lover”. He was just out of a long, sad, guilt-ridden, rather abusive marriage. He was full of ideas about what was “wrong” and “not polite”. It was not sex that decided our future.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Somewhat

Did you have an orgasm? Yes, more than one

Did your partner have an orgasm? Yes, multiple

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? After I left him crying on the platform, I cried almost four hours on the train returning home. I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of months later after the Italian had invited me to come and live with him in Italy. I’m still here. And we are not crying any more.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) No penetrative sex happened

What were your motives for this hookup? Attraction to partner(s), Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Hoping or expecting it would lead to something more

How intoxicated were you? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it

What substances did you consume? Alcohol

How intoxicated was your partner? Small amount of alcohol or drugs, not enough to feel it

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I gave enthusiastic consent

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? I told only one friend beforehand (and gave him all identifying info just in case). I told several after, including my family. I told my ex as well.

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Mixed (Some positive, some negative)

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all

Do you regret this hookup? Not at all

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? It enabled our future.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? Having to cheat on my ex. He didn’t take it lightly at all when I told him it was over. He lived in my house, ate the food I paid for, and I was paying the bills too since he was out of work for the last three years. I would have left him before (when I started to go online to search for what I was not getting at home) but he was suicidal, had no place to go and his father was dying (not to make it sound prettier – it was truly like this).

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? No, I’m still happily monogamous. But I know now what to do if I ever find myself wishing to do it again: Discuss first with my partner why I wish to do it in the first place.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Very positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative

Anything else you want to add about this hookup? If you read the signs, you always know the correct thing to do, even if it clashes with your general convictions.

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? This was just one of my casual sex encounters, one that turned my life around. In my life I had many (between 17 and 20, and then again as 25-30 years old). When I was not in a relationship, I didn’t see anything wrong with them. I never had an orgasm though. I need a dedicated man, or at least someone to learn about my body in time, to have one. And when I have such a man, all the need for others diminishes.

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? All in favour. It’s good to learn things about sex in general.

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!