What’s your gender? Man
How old are you? 38
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? Canada
Highest education received: College degree (eg., BA, BS)
What’s your current relationship status? In a serious relationship (monogamous)
Religious affiliation: Atheist
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 40 or more
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

“Do You Think I Am a Bad Person?”

How long ago did this hookup happen? 20 years

What was your relationship status at the time? Single

How would you best classify this hookup? Fuck-buddies / Booty call

How long did you know the person before this hookup? For less than a year

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? We met in a college class. I was reading a book she loved, she turned to talk and we made acquaintance. A week or so later I was having lunch in a restaurant, she walked by, saw me through the window, came in and joined me. “I just had an abortion,” she said. “Do you think I am a bad person?” “No,” I said. We went back and forth like this, her saying things to gauge my reaction, me not very phased. She had very large breasts and red hair and was obviously sharply intelligent and emotionally troubled and was just the sort of person I felt drawn to at that stage of my life. We became friends. At first, we just talked at school and on train rides home and then she would call me on the phone and we’d talk for hours. Sometimes, she would berate me, saying “why do you hate me?” which I didn’t. She would talk about her low self esteem, not necessarily in those words, and I would respond trying to build her up, but I guess not very convincingly, or I was perceived by her as emotionally elusive (as she later told me).

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? My roommate and I had a mattress in our living room which I liked to tell people they were welcome to anytime if they needed a break from their lives. It was a do-unto-others type setup, from my point to view. She called me on the phone telling me her boyfriend was physically abusive and I said come on over. We were always drinking and that night was no different. I set up the living room mattress for her and she laid down for a short while and then came into my room and joined me in my bed. I forget exactly how that exchange happened but I do remember that her feelings were hurt that I had initially put her in the living room because she later told me so.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? I was asleep, almost asleep, or some level of pretending to sleep. She removed her clothes and moved down and removed my underwear and lifted my already-hard cock into her mouth and started sucking. I just kept my eyes shut (like trying to convince myself I wasn’t preying on an emotionally vulnerable woman) and gave myself over to it. She really knew what she was doing. Then she moved up and slid me inside of her and started riding me. It was such a delirium and 20 years ago but I remember that feeling like I was still claiming sleep/plausible deniability even as I fucked her.

How sexually satisfying was this hookup? Very

Did you have an orgasm? Yes, one

Did your partner have an orgasm? I don’t know

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? We didn’t talk explicitly about it, not until much later. She went home to her boyfriend. We remained friends, talking lots on the phone. She came over a few more times and variations of the same sexual activity happened again. I began doing hard drugs a short while later and she would sometimes do them with me. I moved away to clean up and she went traveling and we mailed letters and mixed tapes and CDs. We remain friends to this day.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) Condoms

What were your motives for this hookup? Attraction to partner(s), Emotional intimacy, closeness, connection, Intoxication, To feel better about myself, I was feeling lonely, Power / Dominance, Making new friends, Didn’t want to disappoint my partner

How intoxicated were you? Drunk/high but not wasted

What substances did you consume? Alcohol

How intoxicated was your partner? I don’t know

What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol

How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Somewhat

Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I didn’t give a clear ‘yes’, but I didn’t give a ‘no’

How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? They gave enthusiastic consent

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? Nobody

How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? I didn’t tell anyone

Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all

Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure

Do you regret this hookup? Not at all

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? Having an attractive woman climb into my bed and suck me off while I was passive. Also fucking my friend.

What was the WORST thing about this hookup? That I was so preoccupied with gender/power ethics at the time, like I don’t think she could have convinced me she wanted it – because she was emotionally unstable I thought she was oppressed and therefore didn’t know what she wanted, which is kind of a dick superior stance now that I think of it (older and wiser).

Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? I just think sex and desire and consent are super complex and nuanced and the behavior afterward is what frames it, so always be nice.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Very positive

All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Not at all negative

What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? Morality is an offshoot of aesthetics

What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? Right on

You have a hookup story to share? Submit it here!