by Emma

Gender: Female
Age: 21
Race/ethnicity: Caucasian
Location: San Diego
Highest education received: Some college (currently in college)
Occupation: Photographer and Teacher
Relationship status: In a Relationship
Religious affiliation: n/a
How religious are you? A little
Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 25+
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? 0

Tinder and the EMT

How long ago did this hookup happen? One week ago

How would you best classify this hookup (e.g., one-night stand, fuck-buddies, friends-with-benefits, booty call, sex with an ex, short fling; paid sex…)? One-Night Stand

Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? My partner had blonde tousled hair with kissable lips and a handsome smile. His 5’9 tall body was very in-shape from surfing and working as an EMT. I started talking to him on the same day I downloaded Tinder (something I did to spite my emotionally distant long-distance boyfriend, which I’m not proud of.). After about five days of talking he invited me over. Due to immense loneliness I accepted–something I have never done before with guys I’ve met online.

How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? When I arrived to his apartment, he awkwardly hugged me and told me I looked exactly how he thought I would. I found this statement somewhat confusing because since he has seen so many pictures of me I don’t know how he could expect anything else. He was shorter than I expected yet thankfully still taller than me. The hookup began on the couch of his living room. After about an hour of talking I said something that made him want to kiss me. He was a very good kisser and it didn’t take too long for me to know where this hookup was heading. My guilt was overpowered by my deep desire for intimacy.

What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? Did you have an orgasm? Did your partner(s)? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? Once he led me to his bedroom we began tearing at our clothes. I asked him if he had a condom and he retrieved one. I sucked him off for a couple of minutes until he got on top of me and slowly went inside me. Sometimes I was on top and sometimes he was. When I was on top he fingered my ass causing me to cum several times as well as squirt, which excited him more. It was one of the few times I came more than my partner–he was definitely one of the best partners I’ve ever had. He treated me very well, even when he was rough, and when we were done he told me he wanted to do this for the rest of the summer. He complimented my smooth skin as well as talked about his job as an EMT more. As an artist, I found his passive standpoint on seeing death fascinating. Fearing death, I find it disturbing to think that someone might find my own death ordinary. Shortly after that, we fell asleep with me in his arms.

What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? Did you discuss STI history? I’m terrified of STI’s, so before he wanted to have sex with me without a condom I asked him about his sexual history and if he had recently been checked for STI’s. He laughed and said he had then asked me if I had as well. When I replied that I had also been checked recently, he asked me if I’m on the pill and if I take it regularly and I said I did. One of my deepest regrets from that night is accepting just a verbal response instead of written proof confirming of no STI’s from a guy I had just met. This is a common problem with me and I’m scared that my luck is running out. I plan to get checked once more before returning to my boyfriend at the end of the summer.

What were your REASONS for having this hookup? I was lonely and angry. With all my friends living in big cities and my boyfriend so far away, I feel isolated and trapped within myself. Frankly, I was horny… but it was also far beyond just that. I wanted to feel special, powerful, and desirable again. I wanted to feel passion and excitement, something I hadn’t truly felt for months. I didn’t want to just make myself happy, I wanted to bring happiness to someone else too–despite how superficial it all truly was. I felt the need to justify my worth, and sex and art seem to be my only resources to achieve this.

Were alcohol or drugs involved? If so, how much? I drank about two beers and I believe he had about three. Since we both had never met up with someone we met online, we drank to calm our nerves.

What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it? What are your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? I knew I needed to leave since I had to wake up for work at 7 A.M. He really didn’t want me to leave though. He tried to convince me to spend the night and leave early in the morning. I declined so he begged me to at least stay for one more hour, which I felt I needed to agree to in order to not offend him. The next morning I woke up in my bed thinking it all might have been a dream–hoping that it had been a dream. It wasn’t until he texted me that day that I had to accept that it all truly happened. The next few days I was tired from work but since he works nights, he is on a completely different schedule than I am. I declined to sext him the next night because I was about to pass out. The night after that he invited me over at 10 P.M., but it sounded too much like a booty call to me and I also didn’t want to risk falling asleep at work the next day. Since then he hasn’t spoken to me, even when I sent him a text over the weekend. At first I wanted him out of my life. But now that it seems he has no remaining interest for me, I can’t stop thinking about him. I’ve also assumed the worst that (1) he’s given me an STI which is why he’s gone MIA and/or (2) he’s dead. I think all of this along with other smaller reasons is what led me to deleting my Tinder over the weekend.

To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? Since I was so ashamed about my cheating, I only told my therapist who I saw two days after. She didn’t seem to argue with my decision to never tell my boyfriend, however she did encourage me to patch things up with him. She also urged if I meet up with someone from online, I need to make sure it’s in a public place.

Was this a consensual and/or wanted experience for you? For your partner? The experience was completely consensual and wanted for both myself and my partner.

Do you regret this hookup? If so, why? In the great scheme of things, I do regret it. I did something morally wrong to my boyfriend–something he would never do–and now I find myself thinking about this guy as often if not more than my own boyfriend. I hoped I would be stronger and less emotional than that.

What was the BEST thing about this hookup? How about the WORST? Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? The best thing was that he was an amazing sexual partner. I hadn’t orgasmed that much since high school. The worst was that I cheated and now I’m a little confused about what I want. I realize I need to be emotionally stronger, but that’s how I feel after most casual sex. I’m sure I will continue to have casual sex in my life. I just hope it doesn’t involve cheating and not using a condom.

All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Somewhat positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? Somewhat negative

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