What’s your gender? Woman
How old are you? 21
What’s your race/ethnicity? White / Caucasian
What continent do you live on? North America
What country and/or city do you live in? USA San Francisco
Highest education received: Some college (not currently in college)
What’s your occupation? Server and Front of House Staff
What’s your current relationship status? Single
Religious affiliation: Agnostic
How religious are you? Not at all
What’s your sexual orientation? Mostly gay/lesbian
Any other term(s) that describe your sexuality or sexual identity? I tend to have an easier time trusting women and the dynamic with them is less unbalanced
How many sexual partners have you had in your life (including oral sex)? 2
How many hookup stories have you here posted before? none
Well, Now That’s out of the Way
How long ago did this hookup happen? one month
What was your relationship status at the time? Same as current status
How would you best classify this hookup? One-night stand
How long did you know the person before this hookup? Just met that day
Tell us about your PARTNER(S). What did they look like? How well did you know them, had you hooked up before? How/Where did you meet them? How did you feel about them before the hookup? She was about my height. She had 5 or so tattoos. She was Brazilian but racially Asian. Average build, not super skinny but slim.
How/where did the hookup BEGIN? What led to it? Was planning involved? Who instigated it? At the end of a party at a club
What happened DURING the hookup? What sexual behaviors took place (e.g., oral, vaginal, anal, kinky stuff)? How did you feel during it? How did they behave toward you? Were they a good lover? What did you talk about? How did it end? The whole thing lasted a few hours. After we got back to her apartment, we continued to make out and took off each other’s clothes. Then we kind of took turns fingering each other and eating each other out but I don’t completely remember the play by play. It ended with me kind of faking it and getting bored. I have no idea if she faked it. We cuddled for a bit and then I walked home as the first light of morning began to shine.
How sexually satisfying was this hookup? A little
Did you have an orgasm? No, not even close
Did your partner have an orgasm? I don’t know
What happened AFTER the hookup? How did you feel about it the next day? What are/were your expectations/hopes for the future with this person? How do you feel about them now? I felt relieved that I could say I was no longer a “virgin”. It felt stupid and anti-climactic. There was a strange mix of shame and pride walking home.”Finally I am over this insecurity,” I thought. But no, I wasn’t.
What precautions did you take to prevent STIs and pregnancy? (Check all that apply) No penetrative sex happened
What were your motives for this hookup? Learning new things, experimenting, To feel better about myself, To feel more desirable, To feel more confident
How intoxicated were you? Drunk/high but not wasted
What substances did you consume? Alcohol, Marijuana, hashish
How intoxicated was your partner? A little tipsy/high
What substances did your partner(s) consume? Alcohol, Marijuana, hashish
How wanted was this hookup for you at the time? Very
Did you consent to this hookup at the time? I didn’t give a clear ‘yes’, but I didn’t give a ‘no’
How wanted was this hookup for your partner at the time? Very
Did your partner(s) consent to this hookup? She took me to her place. She wanted me to stay. She definitely wanted to have sex with me, but the only thing that wasn’t entirely “enthusiastic” was when I wanted to eat her out. She was hesitant but agreed.
To whom did you talk about the hookup? How did they react? My sister, she was like, “Wow, okay. Congrats.”
How would you best summarize people’s reactions about this hookup? Neutral
Did you get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? Not at all
Did your partner get emotionally hurt as a result of this hookup? I don’t know / I’m not sure
Do you regret this hookup? Not at all
What was the BEST thing about this hookup? Firstly, it revealed the hideous boring truth beneath my mythical fairytale, and for that I am glad.
I liked her. She was a nice person. She was a very caring and emotionally gentle lover. She told me sincerely how beautiful she thought I was, and was open to express how she was happy I was with her. Even though the sex was not great and I didn’t cum (I don’t think she did either, I have no idea what I’m doing), I wouldn’t describe it as bad because I enjoyed the experience.
What was the WORST thing about this hookup? It made me see that my problems lie much deeper beyond something a simple hookup can fix. It also lifted the veil of mystery and intrigue from casual hookups and revealed a boring and mechanical waste of time. I realized that hooking up would actually allow me to escape from nothing, and getting drunk and kissing or having sex with people every weekend actually could not replace an active fun social life that I so longed for and missed. So now I’m back to base 1, not knowing what to do to fill my time in between working to keep myself from isolation and sadness.
Has this hookup changed the way you think about casual sex, sexuality, or yourself in general? It made me feel like less of a failure for not even having had sex ever. But strangely it didn’t completely erase the insecurity as much as move it to not having had sex more times with more people, or actually orgasming with someone. “I’ve only had sex with one person once,” “I’ve only had sex with one person twice,” “I’ve only had sex with two people, but with the second person it’s only happened once,” “I’ve never had good sex”. I don’t know exactly what I expected would happen but this has proven an odd and frustrating evolution.
All things considered, how POSITIVE was this experience? Somewhat positive
All things considered, how NEGATIVE was this experience? A little negative
What are your thoughts on casual sex more generally, the role it has played in your life, and/or its role in society? What would you like to see changed in that regard? I don’t know yet. I am in support of that freedom being there, but honestly I’ve always felt alienated by the way value seems to be very linked to sexual “success”. My insecurities about this are highlighted by the apparent ease with which so many of me peers seem to enjoy physical relations. I’m 21 and have never really been in any romantic or sexual situation that I was really excited about. It makes me doubt myself and worry for my future in unproductive ways – will I ever have a fulfilling experience? do I even really have desire? what do I actually want? As counter-intuitive as it might sound, I wish the world of casual sex was more inviting and welcoming. More about tenderness and fun, and less about conquest and competition. But, it would require a change in our overall culture rather than solely the sub-section of “hookup culture” itself for such a massive shift in our mentality and habits of communication to take place.
What do you think about the Casual Sex Project? Hopefully it can help me feel less completely alone about my confusing and unfulfilling romantic and sexual life.
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